yup. somebody told me they love me... somebody loves me, somebody loves me, somebody looooves me.

hee.

today i discovered that if someone tells me what i was told the other day, then i can think of little else for the next few days.

i also discovered that i might've liked it better when i didn't know.

no wait. i like it better now that i know.

no. not knowing. that would've been better. yes. not knowing!

err... ok wait. i like knowing...

don't i?

not-me: "hey! i know you!"

me: "oh yeah?"

not-me: "yeah! you're... you're you!"

me: "yes. i am me! you're right!"

me and not-me proceed to jump around.

conclusion had today:

i'm not the only idiot in the neighborhood.

i mean, dumbass! i live on the fourth freaking floor! ... and hello! there's a buzzer at the front door that will ring me when you press "53".

goddammit boys are morons!

so today i discovered a brand new way to piss me off! - "be stupid".

and i also learned that having torpedo boobs makes my obnoxious friend, whom i'll call "retard", call me "dances-with-sharp-pointy-boobs".

what. is. wrong. with. him?

what is that scent i'm wearing? oh, i know! it's called "mack daddy"!

p.s. one of the men told me this "a gentleman always has a pen".

ah-hah! so this is what i've been doing wrong all these years! i've been dating men without pens!!

cookies.

well, mister. i'm not doing that anymore. and you know what this means, don't you?

nothing but meaningless casual sex for the rest of my life! [1]

go me!

[1] and by "rest of my life" i mean "until everything falls off" or "until i become morbidly obese".

but in other news: on the bus today i saw a very, very white girl with very, very black dredlocks. it was disturbing.

and some information: if you are driving in non-existant traffic, and stop to let me cross the street; thereby forcing me to HURRY across the street with my armloads of groceries, i hate you.

and more useless information: the world is full of static electricity. beware!

but in other news: on the bus today i saw a very, very white girl with very, very black dredlocks. it was disturbing.

and some information: if you are driving in non-existant traffic, and stop to let me cross the street; thereby forcing me to HURRY across the street with my armloads of groceries, i hate you.

and more useless information: the world is full of static electricity. beware!

this is almost as bad as the time i gave myself a fat lip. or the time i sprained both my ankles at the same time. or the time i....

this is almost as bad as the time i gave myself a fat lip. or the time i sprained both my ankles at the same time. or the time i....

man, that happens to me all the time!

---

p.s. - dear mr. probation officer,
i am not james arnold. nor am i mrs. james arnold. do not call my house anymore.

note: the name james arnold has been altered to protect the man who lied about his phone number to his probation officer.

man, that happens to me all the time!

---

p.s. - dear mr. probation officer,
i am not james arnold. nor am i mrs. james arnold. do not call my house anymore.

note: the name james arnold has been altered to protect the man who lied about his phone number to his probation officer.

or whatever other profession there is that involves non-committal sex and alcohol.

or whatever other profession there is that involves non-committal sex and alcohol.

• the complete lack of projects that require coloring.
• disappointment at the fact that chai tastes like tea and liquid pumpkin pie.
• inexplicable need to purchase a purple phone from fred meyer's.

• eating cereal directly from the box.
• celebrating international masturbation month.
• scaring baristas. (boo!)

• the entertainment value of bulleted lists.
• not capable of thinking in complete sentences.
• expediency.

she sent him a letter that said something to the effect of:

1) you broke up with me because:
- a) you are still in love with your ex.
- b) you have found someone new.
- c) you are scared of how strongly you feel for me.
- d) other: ________________________

ohmygod, i can't write that without hysterical laughter. bahahahahahahaa!

oh, we should all should have a little psycho-induced laughter in our everyday lives, no?

how many degrees to keanu reeves? three.

my mommy, arresting officer --> keanu reeves' estranged father --> keanu reeves

heh. now it's your turn.

also seen today: sun!

seen after that: pasty white legs!

yes, i am ashamed to say that they are mine. *shame* *humiliation*

now excuse me while i go watch "blind date".

oh grreeeat!! just how am i going to get people to believe i'm 21 for another SEVENTY ONE YEARS?!?

i am up shit creek. no paddle. none. nada. zip.

1. "celibate! celibate! celibate!"
2. "i want to have your baby."
3. "marry me!"
4. "and i said VD schmee-D! let's get it ooonnn!"
5. "oh, i'm not hungry. i'll just have a salad."

p.s. i have been singing "mystery date". but i don't know all the words... i only know, "open the door! for your! mystery daaaaaate."

this complicates matters.

and i thought, did he just call me hoochie mama? but then he showed me his tongue... and, as you know, we girls just can NOT resist a man who sticks his tongue out at us.

"take me, tongue-sticker-outer-man! i'm yours!"

okay, fine. so, i didn't make it... sara lee did... but i put in the oven! and that's got to count for something!

---

domestic advice first in a series.

when opening the plastic packaging encasing your sara lee dutch apple pie - use a butter knife in lieu of kitchen shears.

because, do we have kitchen shears? nooo! kitchen shears are for pussies!

and ever since my 6-year old child greeted me with the immortal words "there's no food in this fucking house!", i've thought - hmm... maybe i should clean up my mouth?!

from this day forward i will (try to) replace my explitives with the following child-appropriate exclamations:

my word = holy fuck, holy shit, and holy fucking shit

gosh darn it = shit and fuck

g.d. you! = fuck you, motherfucker

by george! please refrain from that behavior! = knock it the fuck off!

do sorcerer's scare them more than philosopher's?

silly british colonies! it's just a story... You people craz-ay!

---

THIS JUST IN - it is america who has bastardized harry potter... bastards!!

well... you don't say? why, i think i may be retaining absolutely no fluids at all!

now excuse me while i go pee.

white trash. white trash that reminds me of my ex-mother-in-law.

white trash that smokes cigarettes (INSIDE THE STORE!!) and never ashes it, so that there's one great continuous ash at the end of it. and coughs mid-every-sentence. and speaks with a drunken slur. and asks questions which would be obvious to any monkey.

"are these chips 99 cents?" she asks the storekeep.

no, lady. they put the sign there to confuse the shoppers.

and i don't like boys to be sweaty either. unless they're naked and on top of me.

also, jennifer would like a boy who:

• has facial hair... but not of the bushy sort.

• is taller than her even when she wears her big (and really cute) clunky shoes.

• thinks her shoes are weird. and doesn't get why she needs 12 pairs of black ones... 'specially since they all look the same.

• looks like a man. a big old manly man. and walks around like some kind of gorilla or something.

• has an attitude problem.

• thinks she has an attitude problem.

• could fix her car. or her leaky faucet. or her garbage disposal.

• has big hands.

• thinks she's the fun-est funniest girl he's ever known.

• calls her names like "moron", "loser" and "little miss wonder pants".

• is smarter than her... but only about math and stuff. and is readily available for all calculating purposes.

• has a plan. but it's not a stupid plan that hinges on his winning the lottery or someone rich dying and leaving him all their money.

• will eat anything she cooks... even her crappy meatloaf. but will complain the entire time.

• buys her flowers when he thinks he's in trouble.

• hates art... but will still follow her around a museum. and will annoy her by saying "bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. bored. boredboredboredbored" the whole time.

• can keep up with her awesome beer guzzling skills.

• will carry her shopping.

• will carry her. whenever she is tired.

• let's her cuddle/nuzzle/kiss/hug him whenever she wants... and that's alot!

• doesn't mind the snoring... or at least, learns to live with it.

• has a relatively convincing "innocent" face.

• doesn't care that she flirts with other men.

• keeps his eyes open during sex... and closed during kisses.

• traces her jawline with his fingers. and brushes her hair out of her eyes. and holds her face in both his hands... *fwaaahhaaa*

• will grope her in public.

• offends.

• will participate in activities such as land-based synchronized swimming with her.

• is so assertive that it awes her.

• would never ever ask her to pick the restaurant... because he knows that could take all day.

• makes her smile and cry at the same time when she thinks about him. and how much she misses him. and how much she wishes he weren't so goddamned far away.

• whoops. forgot one... will let her watch law & order all day long without. saying. a word.

stupid boys! but i digress... this really should not have been so much fun... but, oh it was. fun. fun. fun!

Take this quiz or visit survey.JUNKIE for more surveys!

and while we are on the subject of straight sex, i would like to say that sexual cannibalism is something that should be considered by human females.

perhaps the cannibalising them would be a little extreme, but it would eliminate all the pesky boy crap, but still allow for a little hoochie-oochie-woochie.

oh, but that's not all! i think i'm hooked.

because my previous request for a man servant went so well, i have decided to re-issue the offer. if you would enjoy:

• holding my hair back while i blow chunks,
• making dry toast with the crusts cut off,
• getting me ginger ale,
• letting me sleep on you, and
• saying "awww" when i say "waaah" or "i'm sick"

---

also today, i got several strange google hits from someone in the saudi arabian time zone. hello akhmed!

i suppose this is what i get for talking so much about my possible bisexuality and being the horniest woman in the world.

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