whee ha! i can't hardly wait!

in fact, i'm thinking of forming a joe-millionaire-club where i gather a group of like-minded individuals, and we sit and watch and laugh and sport our holier-than-thou attitudes whilst watching something we pretend to despise, but secretly love.

it'll be great!

WAY!! too excited. (and with kick ass html skills as of late. go me!)

so, act now! membership is limited! the most excitable, mean people will win an all expense paid password to the JOE CLUB.

ARE YOU EXCITED?

WE ARE EXCITED LIKE MONKEYS!

--------------------------------

best mocking of a gbook entry
I was very attracted to the layout of your site. Also, I liked how your site was very detailed in information.
- colleen!!

best pretend pornstar name
Well I will make my porn star name Bastard.
- paula

best attempt to prevent somebody from marrying me
Don't do it Trish.... She'll make you eat Pho...
- captain underpants

best commendation of my mad parenting skillz
You have taught him well, Obi-wan. Now that you have learned him the 'T', you must learn him of the 'A'
- roach

best celebrity comment
Not in front of the gumdrops.
- Martha Stewart.

best reaction to seeing pictures of my apartment
Aaaaaaaarrrgh... *drops dead in front of her computer*
- BB

and finally. the award for the best comment EVER!
I WORK FOR FOX! ALSO I AM DRUNK RIGHT NOW! DRUNK! AND ON THE INTERNET! CAPS LOCK!
- BREN!!

--------------------------------

winners receive their choice of the following wonderful prizes:

1. a kick in the pants (as administered by me),
2. the chance to buy me a puppy, or
3. dirty underwear.

and it only took 10 minutes to get it out of the friggin' box.

but it's all worth it since, now, i can take pictures like this:

hooray!

ps. thanks anonymous buying-me-a-webcam-off-my-wishlist person! I LOVE YOU!

pps. if you want me to love you too click here

Caption This!

Now let's all bow our heads and pray that it looks OK on a Mac. And in IE on a Mac platform. And in Opera. And AOL... But I've given up all hope for Safari.

You looooooooove my template.
You want to maaaaarry my template.
It is delicious!

And how gay am I that I call a template "delicious"? Sheesh! I already say "fabulous" way too much.

But anyway, you know what would be really cool? If boys came with built-in cup holders... It would also be cool if they came with subtitles. Because damn y'all are hard to understand when you're drunk!

Oooooh! I'm Popular! Sorta.

Just like in high school! And I didn't even have to get drunk and pull my skirt up over my head!

As is my way, I jumped on the bandwagon of bloggers interviewing bloggers. Skits even bent a rule by 20 minutes for me! Yay!

1. When did you start blogging? Who introduced to you to it? Doesn't Diaryland just SUCK a huge one? Isn't MT the shit?

I started about 16 months ago on a whim, with absolutely no urging whatsoever! Mostly because I talked out all of my local friends and my long distance bill was getting way too hefty... Must. Share. Dumbassity.

Diaryland does suck a huge one! And that big fraud that runs it? Sucks the HUGEST one. Huge! Unlike MT. Which does not suck. But makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Yay!

2. Ok, a quick game of Marry, Fuck, Kill. (You can marry one, fuck one and kill the other.) Your choices: John Tesh, Drew Carey, Jerry Springer. Explain your choices.

I'm marrying John Tesh so that I can manipulate him to stop playing the piano by withholding sex.

I'm screwing Drew Carey because there was a time when I thought he was funny, and there's no better way to get into my pants than "be funny"! But since he's not funny anymore, it'll be more like pity sex.

I kill Jerry Springer. Because no one deserves it more. What the fuck is up with him? Is he a complete moron? Doesn't anyone else remember him trying to pay a hooker with a check? And now he has a little self-righteous monologue at the end of all his shows? Man, I want to punch him in the face! Death by face punching!!

3. Your perfect day, beginning to end.

Sleep. Wonderful sleep... Followed by food. Wonderful food... Followed by sex. Wonderful sex. WITH THIS MAN!

The Future Mr. Piehole, Ron Cribb.

All the live long day! Whoppee!

4. 3 songs you can't live without. 3 songs that should have never been made.

Please call me baby, because it's the bestest song ever. Easy (Like Sunday Morning) because I said; and Groove is in the Heart, because ya gots to shake the bootay.

Am I the only one that hates Caribbean Queen with an all consuming hatred? And A Horse With No Name? What the fuck is that about? But the biggest travesty of all is... Lady Marmalade. AUGH!!! NO! NO MORE!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!

5. Have you ever met a celebrity? (If not, make up a cool story. We won't know the difference.)

When I was about 8, I met Olivia Newton John, and I was convinced that this was the first step in my plan to make John Travolta marry me... You see, first Olivia Newton John was supposed to introduce me to John Travolta. Who would, in turn, fall madly in love with me, and we would hold hands at recess, and all my friends would die of jealousy.

---

If you'd like to be interviewed:

1. Leave a comment by ten o' clock tonight if you want to be interviewed.
   
2. I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
   
3. You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
   
4. You'll include this explanation.
   
5. You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed
   

And to whomever was looking for a haiku on Piehole... Here you go, buddy. Knock yourself out.

please do be careful,
to not poke the gag reflex,
i don't want to puke.

Dude. This new template is making me VERY IRRITATED... Errors my ass! I'll error you right up the bunghole, you freaking stupid, um, whatever-I'm-supposed-to-be-mad-at... Why won't you work in Netscape, motherfucker? Why?! Why?!?! Whyyyy?!

Grr... I want to hit it. :whip: But instead, I'll just go to sleep.

You see, I have a very busy day tomorrow! I will be sleeping in late, watching crappy movies, eating my weight in turkey bacon, and possibly dancing like a maniac in the middle of my living room.

Oh, who am I kidding... There'll definately be dancing. And probably some singing too.

In celebration of this event, I will be answering the queries of the people who come here every day.

1. Forced to wear panties.

   Yes. On occasion, I am forced to wear panties. But I'm not, like, gestapo-type forced to wear them... It's just cold out or something. So if you're looking for nazi's that force women to wear panties, you've totally come to the wrong place, you freak.

2. Wear my panties sissy strap on bitch man

   Yeah! Do it, Sissy Strap-on Bitch Man! It makes me HAWT!

3. I hid my stash of panties

   Ohhhh kay... Whatever floats your boat, my man.
   

You know, for a girl who doesn't wear panties regularly, I sure get a lot of panty inquiries... Everyday with the panties. Panties, panties, panties... Weirdos.

The 24-hour Guest Entry Experiment is over, and I am SO TOTALLY AMUSED. A big smooshy kiss to all the jive turkeys that participated. Even the ones who didn't sign or post a link so I don't know who they are... But I have my suspicions. And one of you might get an email later today saying "Is that you?!?" because I totally think it's you. IT'S YOU ISN'T IT?!? OH MY GOD!

And although I hadn't planned on giving out awards... The award for Making Jennifer Spit Out Her Calcium Suppliment This Morning goes to: Mutster for WooHoo! I'm in Jennifer's Piehole!

So, yeah. I don't know how to fix anything. I AM NOT TECHNOLOGICALLY INCLINED! Comments will be all fucked up until I can figure out how to fix - that thing - that's messing up... Whatever! I hate it! Let's all go punch it in the nuts!

Now you can't comment on the story I was going to tell you about how :geriatricmark: took me to lunch today, and I didn't mention his beginner's mullet ONCE! That's some serious self control!

Self control... That's what you call it when you call someone either "gramps" or "Oldie McOlderson". (I don't remember which, because he plied me with two margaritas). Also, telling him his hair is graying - that was self control too, right?

Oh my fucking dog, let me never ever break the comments ever again. I don't think I can take another mildly irritated 4 days.

Also! Things are afoot! But I am not allowed to discuss them yet! AFOOT! THINGS! And the keeping everything to myself is DRIVING ME INSANE! Bah!