because tomorrow is a very smoochie-poochie-woochie important day at work tomorrow... like, career-altering important... and some fool somewhere decided that "hungover" is "unprofessional".

*pah*

so, today i discover i am a liar!

little people with orange faces? creepy! and green hair? creepier! and dancing a little gig?? aaaaaaaaahhhh!

other things i like that freak me out are:

• kettle corn - salty and sweet? arg! has the world gone mad?
• boys - salty and sweet?

hmm.

go figure!

and he says that i swear words that supposedly "don't exist". for example:

but i disagree. i think there is an ass.fucking.hole.

am i right? or am i right?

woo hoo! with the help of the kegel master 2000 i will finally have the vaginal strength to shoot darts out my cooter!

yippee!

woo hoo! with the help of the kegel master 2000 i will finally have the vaginal strength to shoot darts out my cooter!

yippee!

issue

old pronounciation "ISH-SHOE"
new pronounciation "ISS-YOU"

harass

old pronounciation "HA-RASS"
new pronounciation "HAR-ISS"

dude

old pronounciation "DOO-D"
new pronounciation "DOOOO-D"

issue

old pronounciation "ISH-SHOE"
new pronounciation "ISS-YOU"

harass

old pronounciation "HA-RASS"
new pronounciation "HAR-ISS"

dude

old pronounciation "DOO-D"
new pronounciation "DOOOO-D"

i would like to go to this hotel and ask the employees the following question:

do these pants make my ass look fat?

i would like to go to this hotel and ask the employees the following question:

do these pants make my ass look fat?

why is there so much pointing in disco dancing?

if the 80's are coming back, does this mean i'll finally get my chance to be a solid gold dancer?

and does this also mean that it will be acceptable to dance 'ala fame?

what ever happened to dance fever?

and will there be re-releases of footloose and flashdance?

if you know, answer me! goddamned you!

why is there so much pointing in disco dancing?

if the 80's are coming back, does this mean i'll finally get my chance to be a solid gold dancer?

and does this also mean that it will be acceptable to dance 'ala fame?

what ever happened to dance fever?

and will there be re-releases of footloose and flashdance?

if you know, answer me! goddamned you!

i would so be perfect. i mean, just look at my qualifications:

1. i own lots of black clothes.
2. i can walk very. quietly. and i can prove it. just ask that blind guy that panhandles on broadway... he'll say: "who? what? where?"
3. i can do accents.
   "what aboot the embassador, eh?" (canadian)
   "the to-mah-to patch is een the weest" (kiwi)
4. i can speak a secret language.
   "iay ancay eakspay igpay atinlay"
5. when people ask my name, i say my last name, then my first name, then last name again.
6. i am sneaky. i have no example of this, but i am. trust me.
7. i am a master of the ancient martial art of tae-bo.
8. i can make spy face. (which i would prove to you with a picture, but if i did that, i'd have to kill you)

i would so be perfect. i mean, just look at my qualifications:

1. i own lots of black clothes.
2. i can walk very. quietly. and i can prove it. just ask that blind guy that panhandles on broadway... he'll say: "who? what? where?"
3. i can do accents.
   "what aboot the embassador, eh?" (canadian)
   "the to-mah-to patch is een the weest" (kiwi)
4. i can speak a secret language.
   "iay ancay eakspay igpay atinlay"
5. when people ask my name, i say my last name, then my first name, then last name again.
6. i am sneaky. i have no example of this, but i am. trust me.
7. i am a master of the ancient martial art of tae-bo.
8. i can make spy face. (which i would prove to you with a picture, but if i did that, i'd have to kill you)

i've moved on from just leering at every attractive man in the free world, to concocting cunning little plans to get myself in the boys locker room at my favorite homosexuals gym. where it is rumored that the shower is full of gorgeous man-mans.

so far, this is the frontrunner:
run into men's locker room/shower. wander around looking confused. when confronted ask the question, "where is my daddy?"

ha, ha! oh me and my silly shenanigans.

my symptoms include:

• forgetfulness.
• frequent urination.
• obliviousness.
• snoring (this according to an untrustworthy source... or two).
• clumsiness.
• preoccupation with sex.
• preoccupation with shoes.
• uncontrollable smiling (regardless of mood).
• prone to exaggeration.
• prone to egomania.

according to my symptoms (and the good people at emedicine), one or more of these may be my problem:

• sleep apnia.
• anxiety disorder.
• PMS.
• stroke or head injury.
• mental retardation.

have you all seen dairyland.com? it's not about cows! or cheese! or other dairy products! it's about electrical shit! like wires. and... you know, electrical shit.

this perturbs me immensely.

i had all my hopes up for cows... and they shoot me down!

but i digress... so, my friend squat told me that there are real love bugs. not herbie-the-love-bug love bugs. but actual group-sex-having bugs.

and they fly around in great big swarms of love-bug orgies. and leave sticky evidence of said orgy on, say, a passing car.

therefore, can we not deduce that beer is A) a WHOLE FOOD and B) an important part of a balanced diet?

i do! but, being the industrious girl i am, i have decided to make this an educational journey. here is what i have learned:

• soap opera characters talk to themselves alot. and animated-ly. "ooh! i hate that woman!" soap opera woman says, as she grimaces and balls her fists up.
• jerry springer is so stupid, you can't even watch 2 seconds of it without brain cells dying.
• there are lots of judge whatever-his/her-face on daytime television. why?
• and dating shows... uh. not even i am that desperate.
• on the pbs children's show "caillou"... i do realize this is a cartoon child, but, oh my god, i hate that kid. *grimaces and balls up fists*
• ha! that fran drescher always cracks me up!

last night, the clothes rod in my closet broke under the immense pressure... but will that stop me from my appointed rounds of irregular clothes shopping?

yeah. right.

now, i'm off to go buy irregular clothes! ... for me to poop on! ... hahahaha! oh, i crack me up.

my swanky terry-cloth shower curtain!

oh, crawfish!! [1]

[1] in an attempt to lower the volume of swear words in my vocabulary, i am trying something new. be prepared to see this strange new method often.

yes. that has a nice ring to it. "former congressman bob dole"... but i will call him "former congressman" for short.

and he will need a friend! and i will call his friend "star of stage and screen george peppard"... but i will call him "star of stage and screen george p." for short.

man, i better get to dog shopping! these names are too good to go dog-less!

and now it's starting to hurt... grreeat! and sticking my finger in my mouth like in the movies appears to do absolutely nothing at all!!

stupid diGiorno's pizza! i hate you AND your blasted rising crust! *hearty shaking of fist*

---

also, this woman is taunting me with her delicious cookies. somebody should go beat her up for me. go on! show her who's the boss!

me: "skanky ho."

people: "hahaha! no, really."

me: "ok... spy. but don't tell anybody, because, you know, the spy thing."

people: "haha! you're silly. now tell me what you do."

me: "national spokesperson for the kegelmaster 2000."

people: "oh, come on. tell me already."

me: "professional contortionist."

people: "ok, this is getting old."

me: "what? a girl can't have four careers? pig?"

people: "FINE! don't tell me."

and then, now that i have sufficiently annoyed someone at the bar, i can go home happy.

but in other news: i get to work again tomorrow. there will be no weekend for me. at all. i am sad. i had so many things planned. such as:

1. sleeping.
2. vacuuming.
3. buying a new fishbowl for the as yet unnamed fish.
4. laundry.

what if i get bored and need some company? what if i want ice cream, but am too lazy to get it myself? what if i get an itch i can't reach?

sheesh! people are so selfish!

friend 2: and she has big boobs!

poor innocent bystander man: sounds good to me!

friend 1: she'd be perfect for you!

friend 2: one problem though... she's kinda married and stuff.

poor innocent bystander man turns and runs away.

friend 2: but she's not really married... come back! come back poor innocent bystander man!

---

however, my sexy, sexy fans [1], do not get used to this me-being-wrong thing. because i seldom am. never. i never am. really. except about this tongue-biting thing... everything else though... RIGHT!

[1] s'right... i'm calling you all my "fans". but i am also calling you "sexy, sexy" so, be happy.

and i have come to the conclusion that if and when i get followed home by an axe murderer, i am so dead.

---

ange is naming her kitten former congressman bob dole. oh, my life is complete!

in no time flat, i should be funny again! oh, the things i will do to entertain you people with funny, yet inciteful, diaryland entries.

it's all your fault.

---

also:

Take the What animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

maybe this is because i profess to be a "skanky ho" by trade?

---

also today - i look like a sailor! i just am so very cute! how it is i walk down the street without people pinching my cheeks, is just beyond me!

aaahhh! not an optical illusion!

also confusing... joey is kinda cute. and there are no jello pudding pops anymore.

---

*update!*
hitting the kid with a stick? produces no candy. DAMMIT!

but it also involved a van, a scary guy on a motorcycle, and a big talking dog... apparently i'm dreaming in scooby doo nowadays.

this still seems completely plausible to me. not only can i run in slow motion, and say "shenenene shenenene" just like in the show, BUT i just got paid today, and if I don't pay any of my bills ever, i am SURE to be able to afford bionic parts.

now excuse me while i get back to work... i have a very important stick to poke in my eye.

blah blah blah red blah blah blah i want blah blah blah cheese blah blah blah pubic hair.

see? it's the same!

also. i am beginning to think i'm a sucka. however, i'm not positive yet... this requires more investigating. i will keep you posted.

also. i dislike baseball. i can't find a cute pair of white sandals to save my life. i'm thinking of wearing a skirt today. and i'm going to play motown all day today at work.

fin.

this (#119) is reason enough to remove mark mcgrath from my list of men-i-want-to-bone...... sheesh! way to blow a girl's bubble!

now i'm off to the park with my sarong safety pinned to my underwear.

• con: my funding is slowly leaking.
• pro: who cares? i'm really into pasty white boys right now, and they got alot of those there.

see? sick.

so, anyway, i dropped the child off at his summer daycamp and when i was on the bus, i met up with this homeless dude who always yaks me up... he's going to see his probation officer today. OH! and he likes his woman like he likes his coffee... hot, dark, and screamin' for the cream!

yeah. ok.

and then i went to the bookstore this morning, but it wasn't open. so i went to this little russian piroshki place. and i had me some little chocolate, hazelnut, heroin-filled cookies.

mmm... heroin!

and then i bought some books and rented "the usual suspects". and even with the q-tip do benicio has goin' in that movie, i dare anyone (yes, i DARE you) to watch that man walk and tell me that he wasn't made for thrusting.

*rowr*

so, yeah... i'm sick... *cough*?

Bumblebeesh: i have some important movie watching to do... since i STAYED HOME FROM WORK! haha!!!!!!!!! and i am WITHOUT CHILD. haha again!!!!!

Mrs. Jackass: more important than me

Bumblebeesh: yep. there's BENICIO DEL TORRO. *rowr* *purrrrrr* *swoon*

Mrs. Jackass: you sick woman

Bumblebeesh: hey, i like my men with a predominant orbital ridge... ya know. like cavemen

Bumblebeesh says: i dont think he actually walks upright. but, s'alright... i'll take him lying down.

-------------------------------

and from this IM transcript we can gather the following information:

1. i type alot and don't punctuate my sentences well.
2. i look like an idiot.
3. one day, i will be required by law to maintain a 100 foot radius buffer zone around benicio del torro.

[this is me singing] let's grooooove tonight. share the spice of life. [this is me pretending i know the words] la la la la la.

all they need is kool & the gang, and it's like 7th grade all over again... maybe i should dig out my pumps and coulottes.

1. asshat.
2. fuckwad.
3. sir wanks-a-lot.
4. poppycock.
5. aunt fuck-amima.

me: (mumbling) asshat.

them: what?

me: asset. i said that's a great asset to have.

them: oh.

see... the brilliance with this word is that they never question it. i mean, who ever heard of "asshat"?

but it was becoming very difficult to get anything done... with benicio looking at me. and me looking back... longingly... and drooling.

so i had to change it. woe. is. me.

well, i have... in fact, it's happening right now. OH THE PAIN!!

however, before attempting to call me, there are a few things you need to understand:

1. it's probably not wise to call me in hopes of intellectual conversation.
2. this is not an offer for phone sex. this is an offer to amuse me in a non-sexual manner... unless, y'know, i'm feeling randy or something.
3. note that i am a bit on the giddy side, and i digress alot. so, you should expect to be a little confused at some point. or at many points... just play along.

freaks!

these bushes look so very odd... they will be teased by all the other bushes!

so, err... thank you very much mr. bush shaper man, but we like our bushes bush-shaped.

yeah, i just went to pre-lunch and ate more eggs than one human should be allowed to consume, but what does that matter?

i SERIOUSLY want chinese food. SERIOUSLY... and not even being-full-ness will stop me!

muwahaahahaaa! i am so gonna be fat. SERIOUSLY!

but instead i tried to get her to say "this is linda richman and welcome to cawfee tawk"... but she wouldn't do it!

frickin' jersey snobs.

1. arm
2. arm
3. legs (both)
4. head
5. torso

also - HOLY CRAP! a whole 51 people love them some piehole. by george! you all are soooo smart!

therefore, you will have to be happy with this joke:

how does a new zealand sheep farmer find his sheep in the tall grass?

absolutely delightful.

and i will buy these new pants with the $200 i made from my new part-time super secret job... it's so super secret i'm not going to tell you what it is.

but let me say this: my voice is stupidly sexy and my vocabulary includes many dirty words.

heh heh heh.

suckas!

ow. back. hurting. (twitch) please... send. doan's. (spasm) extra strength. (twinge) back pain relief. (throb) must curl. (cramp) into ball. (pang) on floor (stabbing pain).

i am putting my foot down!

new rule: NO SEX FOR A WEEK! ... hey wait! i don't like that rule. how's about, NO TALKING ABOUT SEX FOR A WEEK! ok, that's just a big fat lie... err. i got it!

LESS SEX IN PIEHOLE.

hahahahahaha. ok. that'll be the new rule. hahahaha. sex. in. piehole. hahahahaha!

see tony. see tony walking. see tony wearing cut-off denim shorts... see me laughing. bahahaha!

this is day one of operation abstinence... so far, so good.

and while we're talking about things that should be invented, i say that those people that make those collars that let you electrocute dogs when the misbehave? well, i think they should make one for boys. and give me the remote control.

because boys need behavioral modification.

for the record, the following things are punishable by zap.

1. not doing what i say.
2. doing what i say, when it's obvious that i didn't really mean it and i wanted them to do the opposite of what i said.
3. failure to read my mind.

this is day two of operation abstinence... yay! it's working!

I'm Diana, which ambiguous dyke are you? Quiz by Turi.

hee. i'm way cooler than you...

this is day two of operation abstinence.

i want to know one thing though... why do the appraisers say "do you have any idea how much it's worth?"... dude! if they had any idea what it was worth would they be on antiques roadshow?

also - look at me. i'm the gypsy in the sanitized version of the hunchback of notre dame!

Which Disney Princess are you?

because I can get my genitalia pierced for $25.00 and you can't.

or maybe you can. i don't know... what is the going rate for genital piercings?

OH THE SHAME!!

hey... but, i'm not looking for a date. i gots me some dates... but... it's fun. ny. yeah. funny. hah... funny.

plus, i'm always hoping i'll stumble across somebody i know. then i can laugh at them next time i see them. except i'll only be laughing on the inside. because if i laughed on the outside, they'd know i was looking at online personals ads.

tee hee

well. i'm also going to have a trampoline. and more importantly, a bouncy room. *garruggh*... bouncy... room...

and if you promise to bounce slightly off time with me, i will let you come over and play in my bouncy room!!

also of note today:

1. this child is in school now. (yay!)
2. the boss is in europe. (yay!)
3. i just gave myself a paper cut on my eyelid. (boo!)

and i hate george bush.

oh, and i also love ME. in fact... everyone loves me. even you. yes, really! but not george bush, though. he's upset that i hate him.

and i might possibly need a puppy... a cute one with big paws. that doesn't get any bigger than, say, a 6-year-old child... and answers to the name former congressman bob dole.

but most importantly? i need somebody to do my grocery shopping so i won't be eating cheerios for breakfast, lunch, and dinner this weekend.

Who's your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole

HEY! this banner thing is stretching out my table! grrr...

yup... i do.

see? they like me there... why? the hell if i know.

but anyway, this just figures, because i asked this funny guy out for dinner... yes I asked somebody out. good god! has the world gone mad?! and i'm still too sick to go out. and way too sick to be laughing. because laughing makes me hack up stuff.

pretty.

but, as soon as i'm germ free, i'm gonna go get my thang on. *cough cough*

oh, regular strength cold & cough theraflu... how i love your hot soothing relief of nasal congestion, cough, sore throat, headache, and fever.

i can breathe now! and i'm not all freaking hot! and my head doesn't hurt! and, i'm, like... high.

who needs crack? i have theraflu!

woohoo!

excuse me, i'm gonna go eat stuff and then i'm gonna go sit and stare at the wall. and sleep. ahh... sleeeeep.

• waitressing.
  two weeks and one boss pinning me up against the wall and trying to kiss me, and i was outta there!

• job #2.
  three months of fending off the boss (who tried to pin me up against the wall and kiss me) and i was outta there!

  apparently, it's impossible to be around me and not want to kiss me.

• being married.
  the guy kept trying to pin me against the wall and kiss me. asshole.

it makes me feel dirty... dirty, dirty, diiirrrty.

anyway. boyless week has left me bored as poop. ask me something... answering stupid questions makes me happy.

now excuse me while i go arrange to get my still-30-year-old thang on.

go buy me a 50" HDTV.

after months of trying to get people to name their dogs former congressman bob dole or william shatner* or snoopy dogg dogg, i finally got a taker.

meet lucy liu:

"i love you lucy liu!"

* note to cap'n crunch: i still think you should consider this. it's GOLD, i tell ya! GOLD! (louie - boo! william shatner - yay!)

"hot - cold - hot - cold - hot - cold"

this is me in the shower this morning:

"motherfucker - sonofabitch - i hate this fucking thing! - gah!"

---

ps. i am new york... thank fucking god. if i'd have ended up los angeles i'd have cried.

Congratulations, you're New York City, the Big Apple.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

i'm so tired i'm napping during extra-long blinks. help me! bring a double short americano immediately to 7.... err. thought you got me there, didn't you?

just PICK on the sleepy girl, why don't you. you sly little bastards. leave me alone!

i'm not joking either. yesterday, i walked past The Gap, and I was wearing everything in the window. OH THE SHAME!

however, i'm going to start wearing these more often:

and you know what? i don't care if i get funny looks... because my ears are cold, and i really look lame in hats. as opposed to how i look when i am wearing curious george ear muffs.

also. black people love me.

and here's some filler material:

when boys puff up their muscles in front of me, all the brains leak out of my head... i think my eyes glaze over too.

elijah wood!

and here is my standard reaction to seeing a celebrity: (1) turn around, (2) ignore.

other celebrities i have seen and ignored: walter cronkite, loretta lynn, sylvester stallone, sam neill, olivia newton-john, and 2 former members of menudo.

this is me trying to kill myself again.

i went very willingly this time. but, i wore a very loose shirt, so all the bounce-time was spent trying not to flash the onlookers.

this is me resting after trying to kill myself for the 3rd time in 2 days.

i'm the one all the way on the right. the one who can't move because she's wearing the gear of a 6'-4" tall man. so reasonably, i am operating a vehicle... in mud... yay!

this is me and the jackass pre-hike.

i prepared for this hike by doing the following: (1) put on platform shoes (2) make fun of the jackass so that when i get stuck, he just leaves me there.

drat!

ok. enough of this... i'm gonna go buy a tree. yay!

it's cute as hell and has big spaces for big huge ball-like ornaments. except i don't have big huge ball-like ornaments, and my tree now looks lame. whoopee.

and as bonus aggrevation, i have to keep circling the stupid thing, because depending on which side i'm on, the ornaments either look clumped together or spread all the hell out.

ps. i stole about 3 lbs of white marble chips from my apartment buildings potted plants. in my many secret coat pockets! hah! i am evil! but my tree is straight. and that's all that really matters, isn't it?

pss. sock it to me!

nice.

also. i am being sexually harassed by satan. and i am liking it.

nice.

i am also liking that the company satan works for sent us "the fruit of the month". ha ha! get it? fruit of the month? bahaha!

nice.

that blasted martha stewart put my cute (and evil) gumdrops on the front freaking cover of her magazine.

why, i oughta!

urg... i'm off to redesign. [insert mutter]

i want to play with puppies, dammit!

but i do not want to have to carry around doggy poo in a bag. or, like, bathe them. or walk them. or remember to feed them in a timely manner.

but, i still deserve to play with them! don't i? ...if you prick me, do i not bleed?

---

would you like to pet my monkeys?

aren't they swell?

---

today's pants make my ass look rrrrroound. yesterday's pants made my ass look ffffflaaat. tomorrow, i'm going to try something somewhere in-between.

---

today's observation:
chocolate + peanut butter = heaven.
grape-nuts + yogurt = crunchy yogurt.

---

ps. what am i going to do with this new private folder thing?! hmmm... maybe i'll talk about sex and stuff! teehee.

oh wait. i already do that.

---

pss. I'M GETTING A RAISE!!! WHEEEEEE!

ready? let's go!

gimme a J! gimme an E! gimme an N! and another N! gimme an I! gimme an F! gimme an E! gimme an R!

rah! rah! rah!

great, ain't it?

Is this a record or something? OMG! Two days without Piehole™? How did you survive?

In my absence I have been doing the following:

1. Eating nothing but breakfast sausages all day long... I am all in love with the porkness right now.
2. Walking around the Seattle Crap Museum noting the pointlessness of weekends when you spend the whole weekend drawing lines.
3. Stalking Geriatric Mark. And by "stalking" I mean "calling him one time."
4. Avoiding The Full-Time Booty Wanting Guy. And by "avoiding" I mean "calling him one time and then answering the phone when he called and then talking for about 45 minutes."

Now for some political commentary. HA HA! California's next governer is so going to be Conan the Barbarian... You know he's going to win! HA HA! Because he's famous, and the California voting population cannot resist!

Must. Vote. For Terminator.

And now, to mock the Californian voters, an impersonation:

"Hello cun-stit-choo-ents. I am yoah sexy naked govnah!"

OK. I should probably stop drinking so much on my lunch hour, because hoo-ey! I'm toasted!

Note to self: Alcohol tolerance at all time low, must increase intake... And stop walking like a hoochie. It just makes the drunk more obvious.

Also! Did you know, I finally got that gorgeous piece of construction site man meat to double-take me? FINALLY?! ... Ah. As usual, all it takes is a pair of pants that render men helpless against the urge to grab my ass and a really low cut blouse.

Oh, men. You all are so simple... And really, really cute in tight orange reflective vests. *Rowr*

More things you may not know:

1. Five-hour-old green tea tastes just like fishbowl.
   
2. My hair is just long enough so that I keep getting it stuck in my armpits.

Woo baby! The Construction Site Man Meat is shirtless today! And I think my eyeballs popped out of my head when I saw him.

Which is attractive, no?

Anyway. I need to stop talking about boys. All the live long day, it's nothing but boys, boys, boys. Blah blah! I'm starting to annoy myself. A lot. I'm ANNOYING! Bah!

Instead, I will talk about refried beans!

Oh, how I love you refried bean! And your zero fat! I don't know how you do that!? How do you remain so tasty! So beany! So refried! And still be ZERO FAT? How? Aren't you made of lard?!? Why, I will eat you all the live long day!

Or I would have if Fran didn't point out the sodium content.

You've ruined my fun! That's it! You're going to get it now, you bastard! I'm shaking my fist at you! HEARTILY!

That'll teach you to mess with my beans!

I'm starving! Starving!! And no matter how many Altoids I eat, I'M STILL FREAKIN' HUNGRY!

Although I do have really fresh breath.

Would you all just keep your stupid Nutter Butters hidden? You know it's impossible for me to resist those little peanut shaped cookies!

... Mmm... Peanut shaped... Cookies...

So don't be makin' that face when you come back to your desk and they're all gone.

I done tole you already!

Last night I had a dream that I was singing... And it sounded really bad!

Which might not actually have been a dream and maybe more like me remembering one of my many horrific karaoke experiences.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not really that bad. I just have no range. I can only sing in monotone.

But that's some mighty fine monotonous warbling!

I would like to refute DJ Mo Fo's claim that I GAVE MYSELF AN ARM HICKEY... I got stung by a bee! I did! I did! It's not an arm hickey! It's a bee sting. Got it?

Since I'm refuting stuff, I would like to refute doing push-ups... I seemed to think that even though I haven't done a push-up since gym class in high school, I'm in shape or something so doing a shitload of them is a good idea. Yay noodlearms!

And lastly, I would like to refute my decision to sit on this here naugahyde chair buck naked.

I'm going back home next week for 7 days in which I will do the following:

1. Hang out with this kid:

2. Complain about the heat, humidity, the flying cockroaches, the biting ants, the gnats, sweating, having gnats stick to me because I'm sweating, and screaming like a big girl when geckos fall off the ceiling and onto my head.

3. Fight the urge to kill the parents.

4. Sending gen-u-ine Hawaiian postcards to a bunch of jerks. (Send me your mailing address, jerks! )

But dude... Get this. The step-father scheduled my flight to go from Seattle to Maui, then from Maui to Honolulu, then from Honolulu to the Big Island. WTF? Doesn't he know how badly I travel?

I'll probably end up flipping off the lady in the other aisle like I did last time.

Hey. Check this out...

Did you see that? Fructose!?! FRUCTOSE!?! You have got to be kidding!

Err... I accidentally erased all the postcard emails sent to me today.

:doh:

SEND THEM AGAIN! SEND THEM AGAIN! Even if I sent you an email telling you that you were on the list... I LIED!

And now I bid you adieu so I can go out with some people who are more than willing to get me bloody stinking drunk. Woo!

Earlier today I was reminded of my hatred of the Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.

Sure, I enjoy a flaky buttery crescent roll like everyone else, but... The can explodes in your hand! Eeeeeeee!

:ack:

I just want a roll, not a coronary... Damn chubby little Pillsbury bastard.

---

Check out the new handy dandy stalking map! Also, check out how I packed my suitcase with a shitload of dark clothes!

So perfect for Hawaii!

I had forgotten all about the unadulterated joy of standing in place and sweating your freaking pants off.

Oh joy.

And I've forgotten how to drive, apparently.

Hey, but I haven't driven for the past 3 years... Unless you count that time I drove through a paddock in third gear. Which counts less as driving and more as scaring the shit right out of your friends.

So a warning... Beware, people of the Big Island, of the big-headed girl in a red convertible Mustang.

Somebody bought me stuff off my wishlist! SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME STUFF! And with no note! No nothing! Damn you! How am I supposed to know who to give a big, fat kiss to?

Was it you?! Was it you that bought me this?!

Fess up, turkey!

Last night's boyfriend plans were thwarted by the ex-wife! Garrrrrr!

I think she's the vaginal Miss Cleo, because how does she know?!? Damn psychic freak.

But in other news, it's Wendy's birfday! Yay! And I wish you much vaginal happiness, girly girl. :raspberry:

I don't know how the people who work at FAO Schwarz don't kill themselves.

After Ten. Solid. Minutes of "Welcome to our world! Welcome to our world! Welcome to our world of toys!" I was ready to throw myself off the top of the escalator.

But in other news! When my friend Tommy shaves his head, it takes on an almost lacquer-like sheen... And it's all I can do not to attack him from behind with a box of cornstarch.

The boy needs some Maybelline.

I got an email with the subject line: "rip her roast beef apart xjskahj".

Huh? Is "roast beef" the new "cooter"? Or are they just trying to sell me a crock pot?

I just caught myself pushing my sleeves up to my elbows. GAK!

Hello 1985! I've missed you!

Anyway! It should be noted that I have finally succeeded in attaining work-friendly hair. Oh the joy! Lunatic was [this close] to doing a happy dance... Which would have killed me, by the way.

Do not dance, gay man!

And in conclusion... HALLELUJAH!

You know what I think is the grossest thing ever, but other people just totally don't get that it's gross?

That weird "skin" thing that forms on the top of soup as it cools. *YARF*

And some of you people stir it back in... *HUY* *BLURGH* *FEEEH*

Hey now. Look here, Fran... I never sexually harassed you! Stop searching google for proof.

That's it. No pretend California sex for you.

My Favorite Homosexual somehow got his hands on a picture of his client's boyfriend's penis.

How does he do that? I want to know of his magic voodoo ways.

Don't I deserve some penis email too? *

* This is not an invitation to send me pictures of your penis... Unless you really really want to... Ahem.

I just discovered that if you stand outside my apartment door (in the busiest section of the hall) you can hear everything going on inside.

:eek:

Does this mean everybody on my floor has heard me sing "Sponge Bob Squarepants"?!

After egging him on for 5 minutes, I asked this telemarketer if he liked taking it up the ass. HA HA! I'm so funny!

But then he told me he'd be waiting outside my office on street-my-office-is-on-street after work.

:eek:

It's a good think I know kung fu! Or... phad thai... One of those.

So, if you don't hear from me by tomorrow, it'll be because I've just been raped and murdered by a telemarketer who claims to have been on HBO's comedy showcase last week... and has a very tiny penis.

Keep your eyes peeled!

If I had a buck for every time I paid for my coffee and then turned and walked out the door (empty handed), I'd have about 4214654 dollars.

:doh:

Question. What would possess someone to make instrumental versions of Ricky Martin and J-Lo songs?

Somebody did that! I shit you not. I had to listen to it all lunch hour... And ain't nothing like listening to "Shake your bon bon" played with violins to make the margaritas go down faster.

But in other news: There might be something mentally wrong with me... I am currently listening to The Bee Gees Greatest Hits. By choice!

Is it a bad omen when your fortune cookie EXPLODES in your hand?

[Edited to add: Fortune cookie say... "Control your temper is an imperative for many at present"... Is that even English? Or a fortune?]

Stuff that happened today...

1. Moved to the adjoining desk, because it is more fitting for The Boss of Everything.
   Also it has a wall! I'm movin' on up! I HAVE A WALL!
2. Returned 2 day old call from Geriatric Mark.
   I am The Best Girlfriend Ever.
3. Received huge box of cookies from My Mommy.
4. Shared cookies.
   HAH! That痴 such a lie! Like I壇 share my cookies! BAHAHAHA!
5. Thought about the word 田ocktail�... Which is the funniest word ever!

Also, I gasped at the picture of Geriatric Mark at Booberella, laughed my ass off at Hot Water (AGAIN), and discovered that I am the internets #1 source for proof that boys are stupid.

Oh, I am so proud!

In lieu of actual entry, will instead join in the Horoscope meme! Yay!

November:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. (Shut up. I AM brilliant!) Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. (And I am easily and often provoked.) Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. (Shut up. I AM sharp-minded.) Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. (Shut up. I DO keep secrets! Go on, tell me one. I won't say a word.) Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

So, from this we have learned that I have almost no personality traits. If we were to draw my personality in Paintshop, it would look like this...

Jennifer's personality.

And the award for creepiest twins goes to...

Leigh and Leslie Keno.

And don't even TRY pretending like you don't know who they are. I KNOW YOU WATCH ANTIQUES ROADSHOW!

What is it about bar restrooms that make my eyes look TOTALLY out of proportion to my head? Fur cryin' out loud, I'm 80% eyeball!

Now, take a look at this, with your normal sized eyeballs...

Table. Jennifer... See? I totally wasn't kidding.

And if you're wondering why the tab is $16.89 for lunch, it's because lunch came with a side of 2 beers and something wonderful that tasted like hazelnuts and vodka.

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.

Geez. The end of the year is in a freakin' month!

So, I guess I'm going to have to go with: Floss regularly, clean under the microwave, refrain from cutting my own hair, fix that stupid Kiwi Bastard template, and stop buying so many damned pillows already.

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.

Doreen, Angie, Lea, Yvonne, and Jarrett. (Where the fuck'd they all go?)

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.

Dyke fu, speak conversational Hawaiian, stand on my head without falling down, beat Jackass on the luge, and how to rip her roast beef apart xjskahj.

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).

A happy dance, rub my winnings in the face of my enemies, buy a big pope hat, wonder when I bought this lottery ticket (was I drunk? I don't remember buying this lottery ticket!), and have cosmetic surgery... Lots and lots of cosmetic surgery.

5. List five things you do that help you relax.

Sit around watching Law & Order marathons, clean (must... clean...), hang out with boyfriends with extremely calm dispositions, force said boyfriend to rub my feet, and drink booze... Lots and lots of booze.

Is there any other word in the whole world that disturbs me more than the word "YUMMY"?

Blech! :yuck: It's almost as gross as Fabio.

I feel the heebie jeebies coming on...

Know what? THE IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM went away immediately after I went home. Hmm... I guess the doom that was impending was work.

And speaking of work... I'm gettin' my ass out of this joint lickety split! I have very important yams to purchase. With which I shall make my much coveted, "Festive Holiday Coronary"... Sounds De.Liscious no?

And then I will purchase a tofurkey. Mmm... Ball of tofu.

Thank God My Favorite Homosexual sometimes just shows up wherever I'm eating lunch... I would hate to think of my life devoid of:

1. Making fun of people.
2. Being compared to Loni Anderson on WKRP in Cincinnati.
3. Being compared to whores, or
4. Having the words "Your clitoris is Disneyland" slip from my lips.

Ahh! My life is complete!

It's almost the end of the year and I have THIRTY hours of sick time left. That's just wrong! Wrong! I must get paid for not coming in to work! I MUST!

Damn this hearty immune system.

And now, I bring to you... Random bits information for absolutely no reason!

1. When Bridge thinks of me she thinks "fun, food, and booze". Excuse me, but I am much more complex than... Oh, who am I kidding?

2. My Pretend California Boyfriend wants me to go visit him... AHEM! You're my pretend boyfriend, thankyouverymuch.

3. I have been told by someone very close to me that they would beat up anyone for me. Especially freaky people on the street... Sigh. My hero!

4. Sometimes? Googly eyed feelings can last a whole 4 years.

5. Sometimes? I make myself want to hurl... In the words of Paris Hilton... Barf.
   

Q: Someone in your office has a piece of cilantro stuck on their teeth, do you...

A) Tell them "Yo! You have something stuck on your teeth."
B) Laugh behind their back.
C) Wait until they find it themselves and then come back in the office and say, "Jerkass, why didn't you tell me I had fucking cilantro on my teeth?" And then watch them blog about it.

Ahem.

Barring Ron Cribb showing up at my door wearing a big red ribbon instead of pants, I have to say this is the best present EVER!

Sigh... Bridget knows the way to my heart is through a can of Speight's.

Now if only the rest of you would realize that.

I was surprised to find out that I've been singing the right lyrics all along to "The Joker"... Some people really do call me Maurice.

Go figure.

Where the fuck is the ventilation register in this damn office? And why is it blowing air directly onto my right hand? And why is it COLD air when the HEAT is on?

And why is my shirt so breathable? I mean, I am actually wearing a shirt right? So why does it feel like I'm naked?

And why did The Gap move out of my neighborhood? Didn't they know I'd need an emergency sweater? Wasn't I there last year when I went to work half naked in the middle of winter? Can't they remember anything? Why are they so selfish?

And why is my bra so unsupportive? And why am I so thirsty? And why is the microwave downstairs and not just sitting here at my desk? And who stole my tape dispenser? And if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?

Today's to-do list
1. Buy keyboard.
2. Throw out stupid non-soda-resistant asshole keyboard.

And you know what? I have never ever never gotten a massage. Never!

Hell, I can't even snag me a man willing to rub my feet for more than 2 minutes before they scream, "MY TURN!" Although I did once have a friend who used to try to practice his PAINFUL deep tissue massages on me.

I think he got a whole 5 seconds of practice before I started screaming "stop motherfucker!" and tried to punch him.

So... Merry Christmas to me?

How do you know it's Christmas time?
It's when the logs fill me with desire.

I swear, I've heard that song 4 times already today, and the more I hear it, the more desire I have for logs. Mmmm... Logs.

But seriously folks, I have to tell you about my new pillows! Yeah, I know I already broke #5 on my list of "things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year", but come on! I'm not superman! How can I resist RAVIOLI PILLOWS?!?!

My friend, Danilo's English has slowly gone downhill these last few years, and now his emails are completely in Italian.

Hello, Dani! Me no speaky the Italiano!

And when I put this:
"Cara Jennifer... è una vita che nn ci si sente...ti auguro uno straordinario 2004! un bacio."
into a translator, I get this:
"Jennifer beloved... is a life that nn feels... to us augurs you one extraordinary 2004! a kiss."

Huh?!?!

And now, for your enjoyment - A picture of the Seattle Crap Museum Christmas Card/postcard tree!

Yay for people who sent me stuff! Yay Julie, Wendy and Fran, Brenda, Mikey, Bridget, Golfwidow, Joelle, Jim, and the very anonymous Philip. Yay!

Nothin' wakes you up in the morning like accidentally taking a swig of coffee that you left out on your desk overnight.

Mmm mmm mmm.

But in other news, I smell like marshmallows thanks to Joelle... I'm so delicious I'm surprised people haven't tried to eat me.

Why do people say "I hate being wrong"? Who likes being wrong? That's a stupid saying.

But you want to know a great saying? (From the book I got for Christmas) "Be a pain in the ass"... Words to live by, people. Words to live by.

And speaking of Christmas, don't be expecting shit from me. Not that I haven't gotten shit for some of you, but I totally can't be expected to wait in a line at the post office can I? I mean, come on! Don't you know who I am?

I may live across from The Beverly Hillbillies, but I get a view like this from the deck...

It's the prettiest day in the world!

And guess what, pumpkin heads!?! Dyke Fu starts in two days! I get to have my ass kicked long and hard several times a week by lesbians! Whoopee! I can't wait...

And, you know, I will be getting my ass kicked. Because while I pack a big mouth and a bad attitude, I have almost no ass kicking skills. Or balance. Or coordination.

From Why Not Matt... Who totally looks like my jerky friend Jackass... Holy doppelganger, Batman!

What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
Stanley... STOP LAUGHING! He was really hot... For a Stanley.

Oh come on... Am I the only person in the whole wide world that remembers Sad Eyes?

Sheesh. Where were you people in 1979?

Remember this Turkish totally-not Delight?

I totally still have it!

You see, I have a little plan to pawn it off on unsuspecting friends... But damned if anyone will eat it! Much less my most favorite of victims, Geriatric Mark.

Hmm... I can't imagine why he doesn't trust me.

Why... It's a Friend Test! Aren't you excited?

Dude. These heat wraps are the shit.

Wouldn't it be cool if they made pajamas?!? I'd so buy ThermaCare jammies.

You see, I sleep cold. I'm not one of those freaky people-furnaces... Hell, unless it's 90 degrees outside, my ass is under 18 pounds of comforter.

You know. Like normal people.

---

PS. Do this. It amuses me greatly.

There are 2 days left to vote on Diary Quotes, 68 years until I kick the bucket, and 3 hours before I get stabbed in the face.

I think I'll look just lovely with a stitch in MY FACE.

And in the immortal words of My Favorite HETEROsexual, "I'm sure she's not going to STAB you... Stop being such a fucking wuss."

How sweet are my friends?

Step 1: Open your mp3 player.
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: List the first ten songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.

1. G. Love & Special Sauce - My Baby's Got Sauce
2. Menudo - Coqui
3. Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf
4. ABBA - S.O.S.
5. Blondie - The Tide is High
6. Tom Waits - Please Call Me Baby
7. Rufus - Tell Me Something Good
8. Kool & the Gang - Get Down On It
9. Dee-Lite - Groove is in the Heart
10. Nikka Costa - I Don't Want to be the Rain

Hmm... Only one Menudo song? I'm surprised. And relieved. This could have been much more embarrassing.

From Demi-Jennifer.

For the record... I LOVE THAI COFFEE! I mean, how can you not love drinking sweetened condensed milk?!?!

Mmmmmaaaamaaa ... SUUUGaarrrrrr!

Finally!

My friends have finally started listening to me, and have made a baby for me to play with! Yippee!!

My friend who is frequently mistaken for an Asian porn star is pregnant, and I am really fucking excited!

Just think... A big baby forehead for me to pet. And chubby baby wrists for me to go, "look how cute!" at. And teeny tiny baby toes to gobble up. And toothless gummy smiles. And there will be lots of baby-head smelling. Oh yes.

I am SO excited!

I am also SO excited because I have 6 boxes of Girl Scout cookies on my desk... Bring on the cellulite!

And the babies. Lots and lots of other-people's babies.

I can count how many times my gut-feeling has been wrong on zero hands. Even when I've tried my very best to suppress it because, hey, I'm a trusting individual, and why would somebody lie to me in the first place, it always comes right back.

Being trusting doesn't excuse me from being smart. And I'll keep my eyes wide open, thank you very much.

For the record, doing that doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me "suspicious", it doesn't even make me cynical. It makes me aware. I'm still plenty vulnerable, for your information. Affection doesn't only come standard with blind faith.

I'll even go on record right now as saying that I am currently experiencing a whole lot of affection for almost all of my friends. Some even that I've never met face-to-face before. (Of course in a non-sexual manner... No matter how much you beg I'm not sleeping with you, you bunch of perverts!)

And now, at risk of turning this into a very non-Piehole-like long entry... I'm going to tell you the truth...

My name is really Jennifer. It says so on my birth certificate, my passport, my drivers license, my voters registration, and every other identifying document I have.

I really do live in Seattle. My mother really does send me fat pants. My brother really is REALLY tall. And I really don't have any idea how to drive without giving myself a panic attack.

But I'm guilty of stretching the truth too... :geriatricmark: isn't really the honkiest honky in all of Honkytown. My boss is not really a :lunatic:. I don't really own a George Foreman grill. (It's a knock off! OH THE SHAME!) And I can't really kick your ass.

But I really am fabulouser than you.

There was talk of possibly meeting :geriatricmark: tonight for a little bit of laughing at other people at Open Mike Night at the totally not-gay neighborhood bar.

I know what you're thinking... "Not-gay neighborhood bar?!"

Yeah. It's not gay. Isn't that weird?!

But alas. No Geriatric Mark tonight... Le sigh.

There will be no pukey public displays of affection. I will not be saying gross, barfy sentimental things. I will not be making that smiley face so hard that my eyes turn to slits. I will not be petting the beard. (Whoa. That sounds totally perverted.)

Well, maybe I'll still pet the beard. (OK. Now it sounds perverted AND gross.)

Dumbass: (Looking at the Dumb, Dumber, Dubya bumper stickers for sale at my coffee place.) Oh. Is that, like, his slogan?

Me: (Sitting at other end of coffee place) BAHAHAHAHAAHAAA! *snort* HAHAHAHAA! HA HA HAaaaaaa! HA HA HAA!

The 20 Wisest Things Our Mothers Taught Us?!? I don't know about you, but I don't remember my mother ever telling me 'Don't marry the man you can live with - marry the man you can't live without.'

If she had, I'm sure I would have remembered... Seeing as I would've gagged.

So how about I give you a list of 20 of the wisest things MY mother taught me. Because she's so totally normal.

*Ahem*

Did you know that if you said the word "ramekin" over and over again, that it totally sounds stupid?

I mean really... RAMEKIN? That's the stupidest word ever!

PS. Look at these ramekins! Aren't they fucking adorable?!?!?

Ramekin, ramekin, ramekin, ramekin, ramekin, ramekin. 6 ADORABLE AS SHIT fish-shaped ramekins.

Adapted from This Full House... I took it and I ran. Forgive me. I am really boring as of late, and I have no material. (See what happens when you take away the sleep deprivation and sexual frustration? B-O-R-I-N-G!)

The 7 words you can't say at Big Bootie Ho, the fabulous line-drawing design firm.

1. Republican
   
2. Rice cake
   
3. Starbucks
   
4. Menstruation
   
5. Fag
   
6. Big bootie ho
   
7. Barbra Streisand sucks!
   

1. Man
   
2. Boy
   
3. Male
   
4. Penis
   
5. Scrotum
   
6. Testosterone
   
7. Stop hitting me!
   

1. Yummy
   
2. Preggo
   
3. Pussy
   
4. Fart (already met lifetime quota)
   
5. Shh!
   
6. Iron
   
7. Hanawikiwaka (or whatever made up Hawaiian word you're thinking about saying, you boob!)
   

1. Poop
   
2. Boob
   
3. Onomatopoetic
   
4. Coffee
   
5. Law & Order
   
6. Bacon
   
7. Princess
   

Well, I'm off to have dinner with my bosses EXTREMELY HIGH STRUNG!!!!! mother. Not that I want to. It's because I got a phone call that went something like this:

HIGH STRUNG!!!!: "Jennifer! You're coming over to Lunatic's house for dinner tonight!!!!"

Me: "Err... But."

HIGH STRUNG!!!!!!! "I'm having Your Favorite Homosexual pick you up around 7!!!!! Be ready!!"

Me: "Umm... Alright?"

Sigh. Why can't I just LIE? Huh? What's wrong with me? Couldn't I have faked plans? Illness? Surgery? Something? ... That's what I get for answering the dumb phone.

But at least if I have to suffer so does My Favorite Homosexual, and My Favorite Homosexual's Very Ken-Doll Boyfriend, and my friend Julie (who doesn't get a nickname because I'm lazy).

I just spent the last hour on the phone with my ex-sister in law talking about threesomes, asshole ex-girlfriends, and sex with 40 year old men.

That's not weird or anything is it?

Shh. If we're really quiet, I think we can hear horseface packing his things. Yay!

OK. I lie. We have to be more than just quiet... We also have to put our ears up to the wall. And we have to run to the door to look out the peephole whenever we hear his door open... And next time we hear him in the storage closet across the hall, we're totally pretending to take out the garbage.

Because, you know... It's not enough that I listen to him having horsey sex.

1. A double tall americano, with a coffee-to-cream ratio of 2:1.
2. Being virus free... Everyone else is sick, and I get a scratchy throat one day... and then nothing!!! Gawd. Even my immune system is kick ass. (Like me!)
3. Renting the first season of Law & Order on DVD. Yay!
4. Getting :geriatricmark: to agree to take my sorry no-driving ass out to the boonies next month for some much needed rubbing and sitting in vats of mud... And hoobity.
5. Cleaning my child with my spit... This may not seem like an enjoyable activity, but, dude, you should see his face when I do it... HA HA!

Thanks to my Swedish structural engineer, Måns, (pronounced "moans", apparently) I won't have to work all weekend long! Maybe only half! Maybe only none!

HOORAY FOR MOANS!
(Tee hee! I said hooray for "moans"! Tee hee hee!)

But in other news, someone broke into the Seattle Crap Tower yesterday! And then they robbed an apartment on MY FLOOR and threatened the people who caught him with a knife!

Robbing! And knife threatening! ON MY FLOOR!!!

I guess this means I'm going to have to be more vigilant about the :scm:'s security... Like, say, not forgetting my keys in the door anymore.

This morning at brunch, I had the pleasure of sitting across from an ugly snuggly-wuggly kissy-face couple... Barf!

At least when :geriatricmark: and I do it we have the decency to be cute.

I'm totally taking the day off work! Whee!

Now what do I do with myself?

I've been up since 5:45 this morning, and I've already walked in circles around the neighborhood, sat around a cafe pretending I'm Italian, shopped for groceries, cleaned the bathroom, showered, moisturized, and put a load of laundry in.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH THE REST OF MY DAY?!?!?!! I'm already finished!

The Great Crap Moving Weekend* has turned into the weekend of sorta-kinda putting stuff in boxes and then "saving" all my energy for carrying heavy things by lying in bed watching the Sopranos and discovering all new ways to style my hair.

Up or down? Curling iron or flat iron? Does mousse actually do anything? What's better for frizz? Pomade or spray wax? Side part or middle? And does that ionic setting on my hairdryer actually do anything? ... These are questions that beg to be asked.

Need yet another reason why cold weather is better than hot weather? There's no B.O. at 40 degrees.

Hey, I know. Here's a little tip for all the armpit crystal people out there... Dude. Who told you that rubbing a piece of synthetic glass on your armpit made you unstank? Because they lied. You stank.

New apartment short on closets. Jennifer extremely distraught over widespread rumors of downsizing large assortment of shoes and black pants.

Who knew that the threat of small closets could make me lie awake in bed all night thinking of new and inventive ways to store toiletries in an orderly and anally retentive manner? Or that I could spend so much time scheming ways to get my friends with large vehicles to take me to Ikea?

Note to friends with large vehicles: HINT! HINT!

Do you know how difficult it is to dry yourself off with a hand towel because you forgot that you just put every last towel in the wash? ... Well, I don't. Because I put every last hand towel in the wash too!

Man, I'm soooo smart. Like, uber smart. I am one with the smart pants. Big, gigantic knob head smart parts. Smaaaaaart pants.

Also, I am very tired. Zzzzzz.

If you've ever wondered how to get a full size bed out of a twin sized closet, here's how:

First, you smash your fingers between the mattress and the wall. And then, you let the mattress fall on you. And then, you smash your finger between the box spring and the door jamb. And then, you drag them all out the door and drop the box spring on your bare foot. Then you squash them into the elevator, WHERE THEY DON'T EVEN FIT unless you bend the mattress and send the elevator upstairs without you in it. And then you stub your toe running up the stairs so that you can catch it when it opens, because you somehow convinced yourself that bare feet are the way to go when you're moving heavy things! Yeah!

And then you sweat a lot and get a headache and decide that this is MORE THAN ENOUGH moving for the day.

Today my boss asked me what :geriatricmark:'s name was so that, in the event of my disappearance, he can alert the authorities. Because, you know, a man who dances in his underpants in the living room, taught Sunday School, and has engaged me in tickle fights is sooooo dangerous.

And can somebody please tell me why do I smell like maple syrup?

This is my new watch (you know, since I broke the other one after one too many unfortunate accidents involving door jambs, walls, and concrete sidewalks)... Ain't it cute?

And it only takes two nimble-fingered people to get it on every morning. But my house has no nimble-fingered people in it... I'm screwed.

Last night I watched the fireworks from my living room. None of that pesky waiting in line all day at Gas Works Park. Hell, I didn't even have to put clothes on!

But I did anyway. Because I am not an animal.

Pretty much.

*Sigh* I heart the Seattle Crap Museum... Here. Let me take you on a tour so you can heart it too.

This is my entry hall. It's just a wee bit lacking in the crap department. I promise to get right on that!

As soon as I con somebody into taking me to Ikea.

Or until I find more crap on the street.

And here is the dimly lit bathroom. And while it looks amazingly like the previous bathroom, it's not... Because it has an OUTLET! To plug in hairdryers! IN THE BATHROOM! You know! Like normal bathrooms! Yay!!





And if you were at my apartment, I know you'd look at all my crap. So here. Knock yourself out.

And don't ask me why I need so many different kinds of eyedrops. Or nail polish. Or shampoo. Or body wash. Or... Hey, don't look at me like that. There's a Sephora in downtown Seattle now. I can't be held responsible!

And here is my bedroom. Now go ahead and laugh at my big girly froo-froo fluffy cloud bed. But I get to sleep in that big marshmallow every night. So there!

Also note that there is a copy of the floor plan of one of my favorite buildings in Seattle on the wall... What kind of dork would I be if I didn't manage get my hands on the plans for a historic building, that even the planning department doesn't even have? Huh?

Aren't I cunning?

And here is the living room. Note the slippery hardwood floors, the shelves full of books, (Some that I've even read!) and the Law & Order:Criminal Intent DVD's. And let's not forget the ugliest blue chair in the world... Jealous yet?

And here is the other side of the room... The grown-up art on the walls augments the college dorm room concrete-block shelves, don't you think?

On the floor there is my brand new yard-sale rowing machine. It's my new favorite toy! I loves it! Even if it does make me walk like a noodle afterward.

... And don't I have the coolest ugly brown naugahyde dining room chairs ever?

Now I know you're jealous.

Far over there in the corner is the futon I have ingeniously covered with a sheet while I commission a new futon cover. (Dude, that thing is cherry red under there... With black tassles! It's even too ugly for me!)

And then there is The Trophy.

:geriatricmark:: What's that trophy over there for?

Me: For being the prettiest girl in the world!

Geriatric Mark: ... But it's a third place trophy. You're the third prettiest? Only third?

Me: Well... At least until Salma Hayek and Joelle kick the bucket.

My peon's fiance sent her flowers today. And how cute! She blushed! And then she sat quietly and didn't say anything!!

Are you kidding me? Dude. If somebody sent me flowers, everyone here would want to kill me... You know, because I'd be skipping through the office singing, "SOMEBODY LOVES ME! NOBODY LOVES YOU! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Him: do the hustle!
Me: ok! wait. i dont know how to do the hustle. can i do the robot instead?
Him: mmm...so long as you do it sexylike!
Me: oh yes. my robot is very sexy.
Him: thank god
Me: but its not nearly as sexy as my cabbage patch. which, as you know, is the sexiest of all dances ever.
Him: hmm....what about that one where you pull one leg up like a flamingo and grab your ankle and vigorously thrust your knee back and forth?
Him: which is the long version of the name of that dance.

He's right. That is the sexiest dance ever! But what the hell is it called?

What the fuck?

1. One large dutch apple pie
2. Socks
3. Guts
4. Beer (very similar to guts, but not quite)
5. Did I mention the pie?

The sweetest thing that was ever said to me was said to me the other day... Well, maybe it's not so sweet since it contained a threat of violence and the word "shit" about 8 times, but it still counts right?

Also. My new lotion smells like bubble-gum! And I'm having great difficulty not eating it! ... So, I guess it's a good thing that it says right there on the bottle that it NOT FOR EATING. It is for LOTIONING.

I hereby declare that rainy days are International Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day!

I also declare that the rest of this week shall be rainy!

Except for Thursday and Friday, when I will be NOT GOING INTO WORK! Because I will be participating in the second annual SEATTLESTRAVAGANZA! with :turdface:, who will be returning from the Islands of Humidity and Giant Flying Cockroaches to come live in the :scm: where I will force him to sleep on a futon in the dining room.

Muahahaha!

1. Step-sistery people who offer to watch :turdface: for the occasional hoobity weekend. (Note to self: Schedule hoobity weekend.)

2. The discovery that there is a pub in Greenlake that serves TIM TAMS! Eeee!

3. Saying "pub" instead of "bar". Because I am so fucking European.

4. Since the Intern, who is UNACCEPTABLY smarter than me, was gone all morning, I got a Feeling Stupid reprieve.

5. Fall is coming! Yay!
   

1. :lunatic:
2. Prospective clients
3. Angry Homeless Man
4. My Barista
5. ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS! Walking down the street! In front of me! And then he bought a CD! And then he drank coffee! At the place I drink coffee! Not that I was following him or anything.

And then my barista and I screamed at each other and jumped and shook our hands like big prissy queers and then screamed OH! MY! GOD! some more... Can I maintain my shit or what?

Today I discovered that no matter how much I blow my nose, there's still boogers in there! Gah!

And then, at dinner, I discovered that Italian sausage pizza has absolutely no taste.

In honor of 80's music day today in the offices of Big Bootie Ho, I give you... MUSIC I USED TO LISTEN TO FOR REAL (without laughing!)

The Bangles,
Pebbles,
Sheila E, and
Samantha F0x.

Stop laughing.

[These files no longer available for download. Eat my bandwidth, bitches!]

You know how when your bangs start growing out, and you start looking like David Cassidy, and so you start singing "I think I love you", but nobody is getting it?

Hello, you big dummies! I have David Cassidy hair! And I am singing "I think I love you"! GET IT?!

Dude. This dumb sweater
Is really fucking linty.
Gah! Lint in my eye!

Journey is playing right now. And I am having a very hard time not singing along.

Also. It was a very big mistake thinking that I could go this morning without coffee and not get a raging headache. Ha ha! HA! HA HAHAHA AHA AHAHAA! BAHAAHA!

Coffee! And stat! And I say stat like I'm a doctor or something! HA HA! Who am I fooling? I dropped out of that dopey doctorate program, because really, who are we kidding? It would just be too difficult for people to address me as Dr. Princess Jennifer Sparklypants, AIA. And because I am not a big nerd.

HAHAHAHA! Yes I am! I AM A NERD! I was LYING when I said I wasn't a nerd! I am a card! And a nerd. I'M MULTI-TALENTED!

Wait. What was I talking about? Am I drunk? What's going on? Where am I?

Why are the 80's coming back?

As someone who actually spent her formative years living in the actual 80's, I think I can say with authority that this is THE MOST FUCKED UP IDEA EVER! Do we really want to wear socks with pumps again?

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
Thank you, Smithsonian Museum, for freaking my 9 year old ass completely out by putting TARANTULAS on me.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
I mean it everytime I say it. Even when I'm drunk... But don't plan on my love for you lasting. I am fickle.
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
Yes, I know it's very stupid, but I was drunk... Hmm. Why is my excuse for everything "I was drunk"? I may need an intervention.

Am I supposed to be intimidated by someone who elected to tattoo a smurf on the back of her big ugly pumpkin head? Because I think I was supposed to be, but seriously... HA HA HA! Smurf!

But, what exactly was I supposed to be intimidated by? The squat Cartman physique? The lack of any discernable eyebrows? The Billy Ray Cyrus wardrobe? Oooh! Spooky! I'M SO SCARED! HOLD ME!

Intimidating!

PS. If you haven't been flipped off by a bull dyke, you haven't lived!

PSS. Best way to get flipped off by a bull dyke? Stand in the street shivering and biting your nails, and go "Ooh! I'm so scared!"

Last night I had a dream that my ex-husband... and Madonna... died in a fiery plane crash... Yeah. I don't know either.

But anyway, enough about dead people. Have a meme!

Wearing: Green polo shirt, black boot-cut sweatpants, fuzzy pink socks, too much mascara.

Drinking: Deschutes Brewery Mirror Pond Pale Ale

Upset that: I have no vehicle with which to bring home my new (free) bedside tables.

Luxuriating in: Cold clear autumn nights, fuzzy pink socks, oil heat.

Reading: The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing.

Learning: That screaming "not it!" doesn't exempt you from being It.

Downloading: Email.

Wanting: The ability to eat all the raspberry glazed donuts in the world, and not get porky.

Listening to: Hall & Oates Greatest Hits.

The lobby of my apartment building smells like Spaghetti O's. My purse smells like Altoids. My hair smells like Swedish fish (WTF?). And I am so damned tired of moving lines around in AutoCAD, that you will get a meme. Oh yes. And you will love it, you bastards!

Name THREE of your...

1. Pet Peeves:
Slow talkers, cat hair, and inconsiderate assholes who park their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle. GAH! I will hurt you!

2. Favorite Sounds:
The crackle of wood fires, the "woosh" noise espresso machines make (Sweet, sweet, caffeine), and deep rumbley man voices.

3. Favorite Flavors of Candy:
Peanut butter M&M's, White Rabbits, and anything wrapped around a hazelnut.

4. Biggest Fears:
Blobby frogs and warty toads, being lied to, and driving. Oh God, not driving!

5. Biggest Challenges:
Finding comfortable shoes, not freaking out, and seriously, what's up with the back fat?

6. Favorite Department Stores:
Is Sephora a "department" store? Because otherwise, I got nuffin.

7. Most Used Words:
"Oh. My. God." and "cute" and "whatever"... Apparently, I am stuck permanently in the 8th grade.

8. Favorite Pizza Toppings:
Olives, pepperoni, extra cheese.

9. Favorite Cartoon Characters:
Mushmouth, Grommit, and Strawberry Shortcake (whee!)

10. Movies Recently Watched:
Finding Nemo, Lilo & Stitch, and A Shark Tale. (I'm sensing a theme here)

11. Favorite Fruits:
Papaya, kiwi fruits, and boring old Braeburn apples

12. Favorite Vegetables:
Raw carrots, cucumbers, and... do corn tortillas count as a vegetable?

Aren't I fascinating?

* Found somewhere over here. I'm too lazy to find the permalink.

Dude: Mmm. Indian food.

Me: Eh... I'm not a big fan. I can only eat so much food that smells like feet.

♥Princess Sparkly Pants and ♥Geriatric Mark

• Will conceive a robot child.
• Are aspiring to do just anything exuberantly.
• Are Hollywood's hottest couple.

Orchestrated by ianiceboy

All I want to know is... How did they know about our robot child?

Found at Connie-Cobb's.

Have you ever wrapped your scarf around your neck a whole bunch of times and then had the audacity to go outside in the wind and rain, so your scarf gets all angry and tries to strangle you?

Yeah. Me neither.

This morning I left myself a very important message on my answering machine. It went a little like this... "(Sound of little blue phone bouncing around little pink purse.)"

Can you believe I didn't even say "hi" to me. I'm such a bitch.

Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm busy sending :geriatricmark: messages with my mind... Feel free to join me. (I encourage you to send the one that goes "You miss Jennifer SO MUCH! You need to go to Seattle right now! And bring flowers! And maybe pizza... And cash is always good too.")

My Dove mini wrapper says that "Happiness is celebrating the little things"... Word, little chocolate bar. Word. Now, join me, as I celebrate the little things...

Office supplies = Happiness.

That's my new motto... No stealing, stealers. Hell, I can't trust the lot of you! I'll just do this:

"Why Not Beer?" © 2005 Hebbufer... There. IT'S MINE! ALL MINE!

Throw A Blogger Off A Bridge Day
A few bloggers, a bridge, a rubber band... Good idea? Or really stupid idea? Because I am thinking that the prospect of hurdling me off a bridge would be VERY ENJOYABLE.

Random 10:

1. Nikka Costa - Who's Loving You
   
2. Johnny Cash - Personal Jesus
   
3. Hapa - Ku'ulei Ku'uipo
   
4. Bic Runga/Dave Dobbyn/Tim Finn - Good Morning Baby
   
5. Evelyn Champagne King - Love Come Down
   
6. UB40 - I Get Lifted
   
7. Klymaxx - The Men All Pause
   
8. Michael Jackson - Rock With You
   
9. Heather Headley - He Is
   
10. Men At Work - Land Down Under

I tried really hard, tonight, not to smother this REALLY CUTE baby at the table next to me with a billion kisses... He was 18 months old, hardly had any hair, and had these big heart-melting milk chocolate brown eyes, and responded to questions like "what would you like?" with "bed" (BREAD!) and I totally fell in love with him. To be honest, I'm surprised I didn't gobble him up.

And when his daddies left and took him with them, I yelled to :turdface: "They stole your new baby brother!!" and we mourned the lost opportunity for (1) cheek pinching and (2) forcing him to call one of us "boss".

I'm heartbroken.

Do you think if I knocked someone really hard on the back, I'd be able to dislodge that stick?

Heh... Get it? Huh? Stick? Lodged? GET IT?!? Ha ha! IT'S A JOKE! I am JOKING! HA HA! About a STICK being LODGED somewhere! Where it would theoretically be dislodged with a hard pat on the back! DON'T YOU GET IT?!?!

:eh:

DAMN YOU! Get my jokes!

For those who did not get yesterday's joke... IT'S IN HIS BUTT! Get it? He has a stick in his anus! Ha ha! That's funny stuff, folks.

Anyway, my (arguably? argueably?) favorite person in the whole wide world (I think I shall hug him and squeeze him and call him Mr. Poopie. Because I have shared a bed with this man, and let me assure you... Mr. Poopie? Totally appropriate)... Wait. What was I talking about?

I forget.

That phrase right there, up in the title? "PANTIES! IT'S THE PANTIES!" I've discovered that it has the ability to make strangers back away with alarming certainty... But then again, I doubt that has anything to do with the PANTIES! declaration, because you could say anything like that and get the same reaction.

MONKEYS! IT'S THE MONKEYS!
PAPER TOWELS! IT'S THE PAPER TOWELS!
MILITANT LESBIANS! IT'S THE MILITANT LESBIANS!

See? All those phrases are psycho! Apparently, all you have to do is EXCLAIM! and REPEAT THE EXCLAMATION! and you appear crazy. This is a fantastic discovery!

Yesterday afternoon, while walking :turdface: home from school, I hear someone say, "Jennifer!" And it was ANNE! Eeee! (Who only lives a few blocks from me, actually.)

But what's weird is, I just had a dream that I ran into her at the grocery store while I was annoying my dream boyfriend by smelling cantalopes and going, "You'll never guess! This cantalope smells like... CANTALOPE!"

Instead I just stood there in the street going "YOU!" and pointing.

But you know, this means I'm going to have to take her out for drinks, because I was wearing sweats and my hair was all crappy and I can't have her thinking that's what I look like every day! (Even if that is what I look like every day, especially on weekends.)

I don't know if it's my imagination or what, but I appear to be going through toilet paper with alarming speed! Why am I buying toilet paper every other day? How much can I possibly pee?!?

And now? A MEME! Yay!

Why isn't Xanadu a cult movie? Because it totally should be!

And do I need to mention that I would kill for the Egyptian to have a midnight showing, where I could show up in roller skates and a braided headband? I mean, who wouldn't?

I? Am typing this entry FROM THE BEDROOM! And I am NAKED! And TYPING ON THE INTERNET!! NAKED! And I was so sure when I logged on that I had something funny to tell you, but I am NAKED! And this entry feels so so dirty.

I'm outta here!

Is it wrong to stop patronizing a coffee kiosk because the new owner of said kiosk has frosted hair and wears blue eyeliner? And not even for kitsch value! Because, she's, like, 45... So obviously she's had this look ever since she chaperoned my Junior Prom.

This afternoon when I checked my mail, I found a box from Amazon and I thought, "Huh? What did I buy? Was I drunk and on the internet again?" And then I opened it, and holy crap! It's the greatest CD in the history of mankind!

KENNY FREAKIN' ROGERS!

Thank you, Vangie! (P.S. I totally would have loved the "1 new and used White Rabbit" too. I mean, who doesn't love new and used Chinese candy? NOT ME, that's for sure!)

1. Ninjas are flammable.
2. Not so sure about samurais. Will have to conduct experiment with my creme brulee torch and a samurai. Will get back to you with results.
3. It is difficult to get your hoobity on when your Prospective Rebound Boyfriend is in CALIFORNIA, which is, like, in CALIFORNIA, which is totally not even close to SEATTLE. Gah!
4. I am thinking about sex a lot.
5. No really... Like, A LOT!!!!

I am wearing an old navy tunic today!
Bust a move!
Alright. That's totally cracking me up.
Might have to blog it.

That's what I said to Adi this morning before I got all sidetracked with the talking about how I can't stop watching Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas gyrate... But then I dare ANYONE not to gawk. The gyrating! It is hypnotizing!

I had it all in my head that I was going to come home and clean my apartment.

HAH! Who am I kidding? I haven't fixed my bed in five months! Because, apparently, if there's no boy dropping by to toss me around for a bit, I have absolutely no interest in keeping this apartment anally retentively clean.

PFT. Who cares if you can't see the top of my dining table or if my laundry is still sitting ON TOP of my dresser instead of IN my dresser? I kind of like not cleaning every day for an hour or so! Or picking up after myself. Or scrubbing that rubber thing around the refrigerator. I HAVE SO MUCH FREE TIME AVAILABLE FOR VEGGING! Woo hoo!

Except. I can't find anything... WHERE THE HELL IS MY WATCH?!?!

OK. It's no Summer Lovin' from Grease, but dude! It's Maktub!

Say What You Mean (Now fixed! Yay!)

(Right click and save)

I put myself in charge of getting a birthday cake for Twelve's 25th birthday tomorrow. So far my ideas have been:

1. Boob Cake
   
2. "Happy Bar Mitzvah!", and
   
3. The best cake idea ever:
   
   Cake Hasselhoff

Is it just me or am I, like, the smartest girl in the world?

The whole time I was growing up, the one thing I wanted more than anything in the whole world (Even more than the Easy-Bake Oven!) was a Barbie Head... Oh, how my heart yearned for Barbie Head!

Instead I got Legos... Which are cool and all, BUT YOU CAN'T BRUSH LEGO PEOPLE HAIR!

My parents were so mean.

Do it... DO IT... DOooooooooooooooooooo it!

I ______ Jennifer.
Jennifer is _______.
Jennifer thinks a lot about _______.
When I think of ______, I think of Jennifer.
If I were alone in a room with Jennifer, I would _______.
I think Jennifer should _______.
Jennifer needs _______.
I want to ________ Jennifer.
If I could describe Jennifer in a word: ________.

Swiped from Dell

Lately, I've become quite smitten with Barry Manilow songs... I AM SO SCARED!

This is because I'm kitschy, right? Hee hee? I'm kitschy! I only like it for camp value, right? RIGHT?!?! Please tell me I'm right!

I didn't think it was possible to eat out any more than I already did... But, TOTALLY POSSIBLE! Who knew?

But tonight, we are Adi-less, and therefore eat-out-less. What to do? Oh, I know... Throw up a lot.

PS. I was going to tell you what my kid did at lunch yesterday, BUT OH MY GOD IT WAS SO OUT OF LINE I THINK I DIED A LITTLE BIT! (And resulted in several shocked expressions, and my aforementioned dying.)

I'm an aunt again, apparently! ... But GOD FORBID I know about any of this before babies are born, OH NO! We wouldn't want to do that.

Somebody needs to go beat my brother up. Real hard.

PS. I wonder if get to know his name before he graduates from high school?

PSS. When am I going to get this look of shock wiped off my face?

[Jennifer clarifies: This is the third (and only boy) child of my brother and his wife. He's not out impregnating the world! He's responsible, I swear! ... Just very stupid for not notifying me.]

Things people have said to me today:

• "Is it still hot outside?"
  
• "It's so hot today! Isn't it nice?"

No. It's not nice. I am all shiny and my hair is being difficult. This is not nice. Also, it's not hot, Crazy Pacific Northwest People. It's warm. And I know this makes them happy and all, but... Why?

Wasps. HOORAY! Flies. YIPPEE! Sweating for no reason! OH MY GOD! I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF!

PS. I am not actually bitchy!

PPS. Want. Robot. Vacuum.

Recently, the building management changed the drying-time/quarter ratio... No longer is it 25-cents for 20 minutes! Now we get a magically delicious 30 minutes!

And because I pay no attention, like, ever... Instead of getting the standard 3-quarter/60-minutes on my dryer tonight, I got 90-MINUTES! Because, you know... Everyone needs broiling hot towels.

Paaaaass the dutchy on the left hand side
Paaaaass the dutchy on the left hand side
He got go bong
Gimme the moosey makey jump go down
He got go bong
Gimme the moosey makey rock and bow
Hey bomb biddly bomb biddly bomb biddly bomb *

Homosexual: "Where the gay hell are you?"

Little Girl: "Bye bye, pie man!"

Me: "Lookit! I look like I've had a stroke! Ha ha!"

Am I the only one who falls asleep at the dentist? Because they always seem so amazed when I nod off.

Also. CAN'T FEEL MY FACE! Ba ha ha!

There really is no way to adjust the underwire of your bra without looking like a ho, is there?

Why am I watching interpretive dance on TV right now? Why? Where's the remote? Please. Someone... Change the channel. I can't keep making the WTF? face. Also. The remote. Still missing. Send help.

Also! JUST HOME FROM WORK! Right now! 7:00PM! And was at work early! AT 7:55AM! Well, OK. That was only 5 minutes early, but still... EARLY!