piehole

The World's Longest Job Interview

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 16:19:26 -0800

Three hours... I am not exaggerating. In fact, I am DISexaggerating, because it was actually 3.5 hours... Three and a half hours of talking about myself.

I did discover a few things though.

I can talk about myself for about 2.5 hours before I sort of want to punch myself in the face.
I can hold my pee for a really long time.
Spanx is really uncomfortable.

Childhood snack food - RUINED!

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 16:54:34 -0800

The restroom at the food bank I volunteer at smells just like orange creamsicles... It's official! I'm never eating orange creamsicles again!

I can't get a pizza delivered, but I can get super drunk and roll the half-block home.

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 20:19:57 -0800

The best thing about my new apartment is, hands down, the proximity to gay bars. Also, I am not at all saddened by the propensity of gay men to buy me drinks, call me "gorgeous", and laugh at my jokes... And empathize with my newly recognized aging.

HA HA! Look at the new "fine lines" on my forehead! And you say "OY!" when you get out of bed in the morning too? And how about those younguns nowadays?! And what do you do to git those kids off your lawn?

I think I might never leave.

The Seattle Excessive Floor Area Museum.

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 14:18:26 -0800

You know you've moved to the Central District when you can no longer get pizza delivered. Because, OOH! My neighborhood is so scary! With its gay bars and its synagogue and its pie shop... And its (gasp!) black people.

Shudder!

You also know you've moved here when your apartment is now ENORMOUS. So enormous that the large amount of crap that used to fill every square foot of space now fills 0% of space. Observe.

Will you look at that? This living room has no personality. It's the Kristin Stewart of living rooms. Also, there is so much floor space I can hold Wii Just Dance parties in here and no one will fall over anything.

And this bedroom just wants to be alone.

Seriously. Someone needs to hire me immediately so I can get to buying more crap.

The one in which I will not address my absence. Trust me, all you missed was ennui followed by misanthropy followed by meh.

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:20:48 -0800

What happens when you get laid off:

Nothing. Nothing happens. Because it is super boring being laid off. Also, you start ironing your dish towels, cleaning your faucets with a toothbrush, and acting like you know the people on the TV.

What happens when you move to a ground floor apartment:

The sudden realization that you are gross. Everyone can see you with your bed-head, in your PJ's with the hole in it, eating bagels! Close your blinds!

What happens when you take Geriatric Mark to the bear bar by your new apartment:

He is his normal, affable self. He will sit there like, hey! This is totally normal for me, and I am not at all uncomfortable! His eyeballs will stay firmly planted inside his head and everything. And then you will leave. And then he will not know what to do with himself.

All my phone calls end in threats and insults.

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 12:56:35 -0800

My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: I am so going to kick your ass.

Me: You can't kick my ass. I'm a ninja!

My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: Ninjas have grace and agility. YOU ARE NOT A NINJA.

Me: What are you talking about? I have cat like reflexes!

My Pretend Arizona Boyfriend: DEAD cat reflexes.

Culturally Oversensitive Teen

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 08:49:36 -0800

Me: Aww! Look at the Brownies!

Turdface: (Horrified) ... Mom! That's racist! They're called African Americans!

3 Other Things That Are Racist, According to Turdface

Naming coconut cookies "Samoas".
Tea baggers.
Lucky Charms.

What's a bitch gotta do for some pak tong kou?

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:50:20 -0800

Seriously. WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE STEAMED RICE CAKES, SEATTLE? There are 20,000 Chinese here! WHY NO RICE CAKES?! WHERE ARE THEY?! WHERE?!?

Is there some secret underground steamed rice cake speakeasy I don't know about? Has someone stolen all the old Chinese ladies and is keeping them locked up, forcing them to ferment rice and harvest pandanus leaves?

I cannot survive on donuts alone.

* This post could also be titled "What's a Bitch Gotta Do For Haw Flakes".

No. 2 (Not THAT No. 2, you boobs!)

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:34:42 -0800

This coffee tastes like pencil... I don't even eat pencils, and I know that this coffee tastes like pencil. It is PENCIL-ICIOUS.

Jennifer's First World Problems

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 10:23:47 -0800

I donated more than half of my handbag collection to Northwest Center, and I still have too many handbags!
I have to buy a new pair of shoes for the rainy weather, because all my shoes have leather wrapped heels. Ugh!
Someone keeps adjusting my ergonomic chair, and then I have to spend whole minutes changing it back so I don't hurt my poor wittle neck!
Sephora is always out of my shade of foundation. Apparently everyone in Seattle is medium-jaundice-yellow. Sheesh!
The instant hot water tap at my office is broken, so now I have to wait two minutes for hot water! How will I go on!?!

Now go on... Share your cry-baby wah-wah problems in the comments. I feel your pain.

Post-nasal Thanksgiving

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 09:11:25 -0800

I don't know what the hell is going on with me. Five long years of never (hardly ever) getting sick, to a series of colds, and a weeks-long stint of "walking pneumonia".

Which, by the way, is like regular pneumonia, EXCEPT WITH NO RESTING IN NICE HOSPITAL BEDS! Noooooooo... I wouldn't want to go and get a loser infection like regular pneumonia. That's for lazy bastards! I want to still do everything, like go to work, and run errands, and stand upright... except I would like to do those things with a frightening weeze.

WAH! ... Now if you all would baby me, and bring me some pie...

Fun times had today!

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:53:38 -0800

Nothing says "I work in Belltown" like crazy old hobos yelling at me through my office window because he can't pee in the streets, but OH HELL YOU THINK HE WON'T STILL PEE IN THE STREETS?! He will! And in front of my office window.YOU CAN'T KEEP CRAZY OLD HOBO MAN DOWN! HE DESERVES RESPECT!

Ah! I am filled with RESPECT ... No, wait. I don't think that feeling is actually respect. I think that feeling is "yearning for hedge clippers".

I like to call it my Skittles-Top.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:21:58 -0800

In the last couple of months I've put on about 7 WHOLE POUNDS! Enough to put me in my fat pants, or maybe just MUFFIN TOP THE SHIT out my regular pants... Which is so weird, considering my current diet of hot dogs, Halloween candy, and hours and hours of Parking Wars on DVR. (Mmm... Parking Wars.)

Can't imagine what I'm doing wrong.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 09:41:02 -0800

Me: OH MY GOD! I'm never going outside without long johns on ever again! In my whole life!

Unfortunate Friend of Me: We can walk to the next bus stop and warm up.

Me: No! Walking creates wind! And wind is cold!

Unfortunate Friend of Me: Oh brother...

Me: Stop talking. I'm trying to concentrate on not freezing to death.

Jennifer Pushes 40

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:13:01 -0800

So, what's it like being middle aged, you ask? ... Let's take a look at my schedule and see, why don't we?

Wake up, drink coffee MADE BY ME IN MY OWN HOUSE, go to work WITH LUNCH PACKED BY ME, MADE FROM THINGS IN MY OWN HOUSE, come home INSTEAD OF DOING FUN THINGS OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE, and then GO BACK TO MY HOUSE.

This is a bizarre, and fiscally responsible series of events... Snore! Everything is boring when you're not spending all your money!

Well, what do I have to write about now... Except for my slow deterioration and my new-found fascination with cutting my hair shorter and shorter. (I'm totally not even kidding... I'M NEARLY BALD* ... But, according to every homosexual source - ADORABLE! And homosexual sources are the only ones that count when you're talking about my hair and/or accessories.)

* Pictures to follow!