Did you know that cassowarys are not just native to Australia, but also New Guinea? Or that Akerson was the first official White House Press Secretary? Or that the Red Sea is a divergent plate boundary?

But you know what Wikipedia can't teach you... That boys who spent time growing up in socialist Yugoslavia DO NOT UNDERSTAND CAPITALIST LITTLE GIRL OFFICE SUPPLIES.

Me: ... blah blah blah watermelon erasers blah blah blah.

Him: Wait... They make watermelon erasers?

Me: What? Haven't you ever been an 8 year old girl?

Him: Where would you even get watermelon erasers?

Me: Sanrio!

Him: What's "Sanrio"?

Me: You know. The people who make Hello Kitty.

Him: Hello? ... Kitty?

Me: ...

How else can you explain spending my birthday one highway exit south of IKEA, drinking beer, eating tacos, and singing "Taco Flavored Kisses" over and over.

Next year, I'm crossing my fingers for cow-tippin' and roadkill eatin'.

It's International Jennifer Day! (It's International so that the peoples of every nation, even Canada, can celebrate!)

I will be celebrating by complaining about how my stupid hair looks douchey. So douchey, in fact, that I'm considering not washing it, and instead, wearing a trucker hat, sideways on my head. I CANNOT KEEP FIGHTING THE DOUCHE!

Also, I will do other things like go to work with my douchey hair, and later this afternoon, go out with some guy who had better not send flowers to my office today because that will totally tip off my co-workers. And then someone will bring me cupcakes and they will sing, and while I will appreciate the cupcake, I will NOT appreciate the singing... Unless instead of singing "Happy Birthday", they sing "I'm a Little Dinosaur", because who doesn't love that song?

Updated: The jig is up.

(Over the din of honking cars, "WOO!" screaming pedestrians, and illegal fireworks of last night.)

"Am I stoned?!?"

"No! You're just really happy about Obama!"

As determined by one very bored-at-work Jennifer, and some tall, long-suffering, flower-sending guy.

1. Chicken
2. Nacho cheese
3. Ranch
4. Salt & Vinegar
5. BBQ