but i know better. because, i'm sorry, but no self respecting straight man dances to kylie minogue songs. or has that many shoes. or an apartment that clean.

and i can see past his lies... that weird obsession with angelina jolie is just a cover.

he's gay.

you hear me, jared? you're gay!

but i know better. because, i'm sorry, but no self respecting straight man dances to kylie minogue songs. or has that many shoes. or an apartment that clean.

and i can see past his lies... that weird obsession with angelina jolie is just a cover.

he's gay.

you hear me, jared? you're gay!

now how am i supposed to satisfy my thirst for violent behavior? and my bi-sexual curiosity?

and me, being desperate or something, proceeded to make chit chat with said "straight" man. for hours and hours, i amused him with little funny tales about underwear and testicles and such.

"HA!" he says, "you're so funny." but then he says "but we could never date, because i could never handle you".

first off: "phew"
secondly: i don't remember asking.
and third: what the hell is that supposed to mean?!?!

he is usually decked out in 5 inch heels, rubber fetish wear, a thick layer of make-up, big drag queen hair. and always with the BIG HOOCHIE HOOP EARRINGS!

you are so jealous of me aren't you?

---

ps. i'm not cool. also, i have an unsightly rug burn on my knee. gak!

i think they should change the name to whitebread-yuppie-couples-trying-to-be-campy-and-hip parade.

---

also seen today: a shirt that said "homo depot". now, i've heard of gay mart. but this is new!

a quick search on the internet revealed that there is a homo depot! however, it does not appear to sell dyke paint or fairy lumber. dagnabit!

nancy punctuates his sentences with snaps and flicks of his head. and his wrists are very floppy. and he wants to take me to the restaurant with liza minelli memoribilia all over it.

he is so nelly that i am thinking of taking him shopping at kenneth cole! because that's the gayest store ever!

has anyone else out there seen "inches" magazine? OH MY GOD!! don't ever let your friends take you into the gay porn section of the bookstore. TRUST ME!

i'd make a great queer, by the way.

however, i do not speak hawaiian fluently (not even close). but i do not want gayer-than-gay matt to know this.

it will lessen my mystique, you see.

so yesterday, in preparation, i took a small conglomerate of children with me, and went to see lilo and stitch. y'know... to bone up on my hawaiian. and OH MY GOD! it was so cute! i'm going to have to screech!

EEEEEeeeee!

but in other news, i have a hankerin' for some pizza.

which consists of what, you may ask.

i'm thinking "uncomfortable situations".

• ate too much.
• at some point was a witness to the theft of a spiderman antenna ball.
• much pointing and laughing at bumbershoot.
• said the word "fucker" alot.
• got nauseated on the "tornado". yeah. nauseated... how lame.
• became convinced that when i buy a house, i am installing bumper cars in the back yard.
• drank vodka crans until vision became blurry.
• date with a smart guy. not these guys. this guy is a different guy.
• realized i need a lesson in keeping-my-hands-to-myself. that is not my crotch... i should not be touching it... correct?

1. i like boys. a-lot!
2. when i get excited, i gesture wildly with my arms.
3. shoes. are my life.
4. i have an unexplained love of disco.
5. two words: drama queen.

hell! what do i have to do? grow a penis?!

---

and when you're done laughing at my misfortune, look at this.

but can i take you? because booze + me + queers = me-making-a-fool-out-of-myself. so, i might need somebody to keep me in check.

because my favorite homosexual has a new coffee table. and it looks mighty fine for dancing.

whee!

and just in case a random heterosexual man wanders in: i've ironed my hair, i'm wearing my patented tight-sweater and i've been doing kegels all afternoon.

hoo ha!

i had to keep saying this to myself: "don't laugh, that wasn't that funny." "step away from the gay man." "stop talking." "don't touch him." "stop giggling." "that's not your crotch, don't touch it."

ps. it's the child's 7th birthday today! eeek! i'm old!

some dude was just on there dancing to polka! in an orange jumpsuit! hello? he was in an ORANGE JUMPSUIT dancing to POLKA MUSIC!

holy shit, that was frightening... hey! let's go watch some more!! yay!

ps. i love PBS

See? When it comes down to it, I'm even sexy to queers!

Also, tonight is The Child's first slumber party... Meaning I am ALONE! ALL NIGHT! NO RESPONSIBILITY! AT ALL! NONE!!

And I don't know what to do with myself! EEEEeeeee!

You're already singing the gayest song in the history of the world. Is it really necessary to say "It's raining gay men"?

Signed,
The irregularly tanned girl.

---

And in other news, every buffed gay man in a 12 block radius seems to have donned a speedo. Also every fat gay man.

Gah! My eyes!! Pot bellies! Pancake asses! Hairy backs! They're everywhere! ARRRRRG!

Bah on that stupid joint custody! BAH!

I anticipate great sadness and the overwhelming feeling of dread. So, Piehole will be going on a brief hiatus until I don't feel so crappy.

In the interim, satiate yourselves with this picture of cheerleaders! Rah!

Q-U-E-E-R! Queer! Queer! We're bloody stinking queer!

I don't wear combat boots with skirts, or an obscene amount of eyeliner... Hey, I don't even have problems relating to straight men!

And still? 90% of my friends are gay men. And if you remove women and men that I've slept with/made out with/felt up, that figure jumps up to 100%. 100% gay male friends! ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!

Why me!? WHY! WHY!? WHHHYYYY!?!?!

They do SO seriously sit around making fun of the way other people are dressed. Are you kidding me? That's the #1 gay recreational activity! Well, maybe it's #2.

But if ONE MORE of them makes fun of my blunt toed shoes, I swear I will make them watch "In & Out" until their eyeballs fall out of their fruity little heads.

I was just almost killed by a gaggle of bald, muscle-bound homos! Killed! Well, ok, it was more like assaulted. Assaulted! Oh, alright, they just intimidated me by walking by all bald and muscle-bound and homo.

Why were they all bald, and all muscle-bound, and all homo, anyway? Don't they know that they intimidate the straight girls when they travel in pods? Sheesh! Have some consideration Gay Kojaks!

Sweet Jesus, was I ever drunk last night... Please remind me not to go out with that many queers at once. It was not wise! Not wise at all!

Although, I did get fabulous advice on what to do with my hair, what colors I should wear, and a new skin care regimen... Too bad I can't remember any of it.

Also, I had the following discussion:

My Favorite Homosexual: You are so a top.

Me: No I'm not! I'm a bottom.

Homosexual #2: Top!

Me: Bottom!

Homosexual #3: Toppy top top top!

And then? When I got home? I decided it would be a good idea to send drunken emails where I claim that I do not smell like semen and type my name "Hebbufer".

The Ambiguously Gay Architect said to me the other day, "You should set me up with your friend, Megan!"

And then I looked at him really weird.

And then he said, "I'm serious."

And then I thought, YEAH RIGHT! I'm not in the habit of setting up my straight female friends with FLAMING HOMOSEXUALS.

At lunch today, my friend Matt claimed that my Cuban pork sandwich smelled like vagina.

Way to kill my appetite, dude.

Also! I am tipsy! At work! I am Work Tipsy! Woo! :drunk:

No matter how many times I see it, I am never quite prepared to see two elderly men holding hands... :huh:

I mean, I know homosexuals grow old and all, but it's just... so... strange...

You want to know what the funniest thing I heard all week was?

My Favorite Homosexual had a dream that he was having sex with an obese woman named Puddin'... And he woke up screaming, "That doesn't feel right! That doesn't feel right!"

:rofl:

A day late and a dollar short, but you know. I don't need to be punctual, I'm irresistibly cute.

Hmm... Because straight people will become confused if gay people get married?

Why, yes! I won't know what to do with myself if homos marry each other! Aaaaaaah! I might forget to go to work! I won't pay my rent! I just might run amuck in the streets! Help! Save me from the queers!

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This post brought to you by The Snark Tank.

My Favorite Homosexual: Is that... *poke*

Me: Yes it is. Now stop poking my boob.

You'd think that for a (gay!) man who's seen my boob on a million occasions, the novelty would have worn off. But nope! He still enjoys spending his time pointing at my boobs, poking my boobs, pulling sweaters over my boobs, and, in general, bringing the attention of everybody in the room to my boobs.

They're fascinating, you know.

Phase one of Jennifer turning into a big flaming homo is complete.

My vocabulary is now so gay, I have to keep checking my pants to make sure I haven't grown big gay ones.

It's not bad enough that I say "fabulous" 800 times a day, oh no! I say it like this... Faaaaaaaabulous.

And now I've taken to saying "ooh la la!" all the freaking time. Can you believe it? OOH LA LA? What the fuck is wrong with me?!

According to my new friend, Homosexual Brian, I am "so Paris Hilton". Which sortof makes me want to kill him, because HEY! I just like pink, alright? Hence the Pink! Hooray! And the .php! Hooray! Why, it's SO ME I COULD JUST DIE! Yay for Joelle!

But I won't actually kill him because he invited me to a Gay Housewarming party, and DUDE! There is a HOT TUB. And HOMOSEXUALS. And ALCOHOL. And if there is a God there will be DISCO... This party is sure to FREAK MY SHIT OUT.

Did you know that today was National Bring Your Homosexual to the Movies Day? I didn't.... But LO AND BEHOLD! It's a homosexual matinee!

And of course? Me? Sitting behind the biggest headed one *... But that's OK! Because I had the prettiest homo. Ha ha! Take that big head!

PS. And we saw War of the Worlds not The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants... The queens. They were watching the movie about aliens. And not the movie about pants.... Yeah, I don't get it either.

* I think this is my penance for telling that old lady in the grocery store to "shut the fuck up"... Man, I'm getting punchier every day. But she really needed to shut her cranky assed bitchy trap. I DON'T TAKE NO CRAP, GRANDMA!

Homosexual #1: (Talking about gay-friendly retirement community going up in California.) Parties! Dancing until 3 in the morning!

Me: Cute shoes! Inappropriate jokes! Mocking less fashionable people!

Homosexual #2: I'd sign up!

Homosexual #1: Jennifer would sign up!

Me: ... Oh my god... I'm a hag.

I love it when gay men describe me as a "MILF"... You know, since they don't really "L" to "F" me, it means absolutely nothing! And yet. I believe... I really believe.