CELEBRATE!

please be aware that international jennifer day is the first day of intoxication week! HOORAY for al-key-hol! (this means one whole week of drunken entries for all of you!)

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ps - i spent the greater part of the day in interior design hell... the convention center looked like hilde blew up in there.

*blargh*

ok, i have other stuff to say too. stuff like, "i should stop eating cookie dough", because i think i might be chubbing.

also of note: i almost killed some house plants, my kid ate halloween candy for breakfast, and i think that pesky wrinkle is getting worse.

EEK!

and don't forget! it's almost INTERNATIONAL JENNIFER DAY! get a move on! chop, chop!

ok, moving on to something more important like what i got for international jennifer day:

(7) hugs.
(3) kisses on the cheek.
(1) offer for cunnilungus.
(1) coupon for one hour of "vigorous anal lovemaking".

stay tuned for more about international jennifer day/intoxication week.

but, just let me have this for a few minutes, would ya? ... sigh ... alright, i'm better now.

so anyway, i think i should be entertained for international jennifer day, and what better way to entertain myself than by taking my step-father (who is in town this week), to the queerest queer bar in all of queer town *.

nothing quite says "happy birthday" like hearing a frightened "what. the. FUCK! is going on in here?!"

That's whack!

HO!

the end.

ps. i am amused when you sock it to me!

pss. bren got a job where she has to (hold onto your seats) WATCH TV... ok, i'm not bitter or nothing, but... BITCH!

but can i take you? because booze + me + queers = me-making-a-fool-out-of-myself. so, i might need somebody to keep me in check.

because my favorite homosexual has a new coffee table. and it looks mighty fine for dancing.

whee!

yes. logs always fill me with desire too.

and for your edification - it's perfectly safe to talk on the phone while in the shower. really! you don't get electrocuted, or anything! yay!

ps. stop calling me when i'm in the shower.

i mean, with a schedule as happenin' as mine, it's a necessity. right? ... i mean, i'm right, right?

yeah. i thought so.

and just in case a random heterosexual man wanders in: i've ironed my hair, i'm wearing my patented tight-sweater and i've been doing kegels all afternoon.

hoo ha!

but on the bright side, there is lots of bubble wrap in the house tonight. wheeeee!

february
according to this i was thinking lots of dirty thoughts in february.

march
in march, i lost my voice and saved my soul.

april
dr. hello kitty diagnoses my longtime mental illness. and my boss tells me about his nards.

may
diaryland's best account of a wisdom tooth extraction, yo! and, umm... one more. ahem.

june
jennifer begins her newfangled fascination with old guys. and finally, finally! gets her thang on. yay!

july
no more yoga for me! here i come flabby arms! and we can blame it on the crazy ass weird yoga guy. ewww! and then i talk to myself. yes. highly unusual for me. yes. HIGHLY UNUSUAL!

august
i mourn the death of my beloved, and console myself by trying to get fatter and drunker and drunker and even drunker!

september
i enjoy a very dyke-y weekend. and cry because i'm just a girl.

october
oh hello! i take a boy break and fail miserably... because i'm a crack ho.

november
somebody insults me, bren writes me a theme song, and... it's INTERNATIONAL JENNIFER DAY! hooray!

december
i begin the world's first long distance sexual harassment. and won't shut up about it. yo!
also, i pop myself in the eye.

so basically, i did pretty much nothing this year except... well. ok. nothing.

go me!

ps. template? template anyone? anybody want the old template? anyone? anyone?

Shoot me.

And in other Very Important Line drawing news... I now have two freelancing gigs. Yay! And a cute name for this business venture!

Draw

Is that not the cutest name ever? It's so cute, you should pinch it.

Anyway! Go say happy birthday to my pretend internet boyfriend ... But don't buy him anything, because he didn't buy me anything for International Jennifer Day. So as far as I'm concerned, he don't deserve nothin'!

And that includes those boobie pictures he requested.

Fat chance, bub.

Stumpy: No I actually had turkey on a train

Me: TURKEY? WHAT IS THIS? THANKSGIVING?

Stumpy: and then fajita pizza in a place. and pinot grigio

Me: AHHH! WHAT A FITTING WAY TO CELEBRATE THE RESURRECTION OF CHRIST... FAJITA = BODY OF CHRIST
PINOT GRIGIO = BLOOD OF CHRIST

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And now a tip to all the teenage girls: If when you go out with your friend, and are approached by two men, and the ugly one automatically starts hitting on you?

It means you're the ugly one.

Today my mother turns 52. And I would like to say Happy Birthday to the woman who made me carry the world's largest box of maxi pads around the store WHEN BOYS FROM MY SCHOOL WERE RIGHT THERE!

Oh, and thanks for fixing my hair after that horrifying bubblegum incident by giving me an even more horrifying afropuff perm. Good move, woman!

But most of all, thanks for showing me the proper way to kick a man in the cookies... That has been the most important lesson I have ever learned in my whole entire life.

I need this weekend like I need... Err... Air? Water? Cucumber melon moisturizer? Internet access? A good, hard dickering?

Well, that was a lie. I need the good, hard dickering more than I need all those other things put together.

---

And as summer nears to an end, I would like to say one thing about the return of the SIDE PONYTAIL...

Last night's boyfriend plans were thwarted by the ex-wife! Garrrrrr!

I think she's the vaginal Miss Cleo, because how does she know?!? Damn psychic freak.

But in other news, it's Wendy's birfday! Yay! And I wish you much vaginal happiness, girly girl. :raspberry:

Happy belated birthday Joelle, you impossibly gorgeous round-headed freak! And I'm not just saying that... You really are a freak.

Apparently in being responsible and not going, I missed out on head-sized margaritas and boobie flashing... Dammit. I knew growing up would have it's price.

And speaking of growing up... it's almost my birthday! And I only realized that just now! OH MY GOD! Do you know what this means?

I'm senile!

It also means you only have 4 days to buy me something. Git to it!

Don't you like how I announce my own birthday? That's because I'm an egomaniacal bastard... Yes. A thirty-two year old bastard.

Huzzah.

What I'm thankful for...

1. The grandpa who taught me what a man was supposed to be, and for my grandma who showed me that a woman can be kind and gentle, but can still flatten your ass if need be.

2. The love of my life... Ain't he swell?
   

   I'm thankful that he'll wake up in the middle of the night and laugh with me after I've sat at his bedside, poking him in the arm until he woke up.

   I'm thankful that he didn't get angry when I punched out his tooth that one time. (I SWEAR IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!) Or when I jumped out from behind the shower curtain and screamed "BWWWWAH!" ... Oh wait. He did get mad that time.

   And I'm thankful that he is comfortable and safe enough with me to draw little pictures of us and caption it "mommy sucks". And to tell me "you suck!" in the grocery store when I won't buy him pop-tarts. And to, in general, proclaim that I suck.

3. I am thankful that I suck.

4. I am thankful for the internet. Without it, I'd never have met people who would let me have stupid IM conversations about refried beans, or cowpies, or my struggle with frequent urination. Thanks guys. You're the greatest! And I'm totally not being sarcastic.

5. And lastly, I am thankful for boys. Sweet, thoughtful, tall, blonde, burly, Caucasian boys who smell really good and are fan-freakin-tastic in the sack. :hubbahubba:

I'm thankful for other stuff too, but seriously... let's not get mushy.

Happy Birthday Jackass! For your birthday, I will be posting this picture of you.

And then, because I am so nice, I will sing you this song...

Go, Jackass! It's your birfday. Gonna party like it's your birfday. Buy some Rogaine because it's your birfday. And might as well accept that there's some serious male pattern baldness going on and you need some chemicals, my brothah.

8 years ago today, I spent 6 hours in mild discomfort, 3 hours in excruciating pain, and another 3 hours with absolutely no feeling below the waist (hooray for epidurals)... And all I got was this kid.

He used to be so well behaved. No really!

Experience Christmas in Seattle:

Fog, fog, and more fog.

Experience Christmas in my living room:

Boxes, boxes, and more boxes.

This year, The Child spent Christmas with Dickhead, so my Christmas consisted of the following activities:

• Walk around unfamiliar part of neighborhood. Get lost, but find little espresso shop open on Christmas Day! Hooray!
• Make several phone calls to small child. One phone call to large mother. Receive phone call from Geriatric Mark. (See? Ignoring them really does work.)
• Rent festive holiday movies such as Bend It Like Beckham, Scotland, PA, and French movie that am forced to put on pause everytime I have to pee, because cannot read subtitles from bathroom. Arg!
• Debate going to Lunatic's for Christmas dinner. Decide would rather poke out own eyeball.
• Eat festive Christmas dinner of lasagna with a side of chocolate soy milk.

Is that festive or what? Anyway, because I'm way too lazy to say it individually to each of you, Happy Holidays everybody!

Last year, I made a resolution to get bloody stinking drunk... So, as you can see, I like to make resolutions I can stick with. And with that in mind, I give you Jennifer's 2004 Resolutions.

1. Don't take any crap.
2. Take everything that isn't crap. Unless it's really cool and would look great in my apartment.
3. Get out... Leaving the city once all year is just plain sad.
4. Less money into cappucinos, more money into mutual funds.
5. Stop making fun of people who wear berets.

Boy, that was a load of crap... I'll never be able to stop making fun of people who wear berets... I mean, come on! How am I supposed to take that seriously? Ha! They wear BERETS! Ha ha ha hahahaha!

Today is Geriatric Mark's 41st birthday.

And as My Pretend California Boyfriend says, "Holy shit. He's too old for you."

No, he's not, I say.

It's not like I was in kindergarten when he graduated from high school or nothing... I was in the third grade.

Totally different.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, jive turkeys!

In celebration of my Irish heritage... Hey don't look at me like that. I'm Irish. Like, a whole 1/16th! I even have an Irish last name, like Mr. O'Malley! I've even got freckles! So there.

Wait. What was I talking about? Oh yes. I will be celebrating my Irishness by wearing green so no one at work will pinch me (as they have threatened to do over the past 2 days), and vacuuming the Seattle Crap Museum, and paying bills, and begging my apartment manager for a bigger Crap Museum in the Crap Tower.

Exciting, no?

I may possibly brave the local pub tonight, but I feel a great irritation stirring, and I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from punching people.

Aren't I sweet as pie?

Step one: Get totally drunk.
Step two: Dance on table like lunatic.

And if you really want to be accurate, you'll follow that up by falling down and spraining the crap out of your ankle. WHEE! Fun for everyone!

A SMALL DUMBASS TURKEY HAS BEEN LOCATED! And is currently in my oven.

But of course, I totally forgot that I don't know how to cook a turkey, so this should be fun for everyone! ... And by "fun" I mean "salmonella".

Also - Is it OK to baste a turkey in Captain Morgan's? Because I'm all out of wine, and, well, throwing rum on it sounded like a good idea at the time... It's not going to burst into flames or anything, is it?!?!

At 12:45am he was all, "MOMMY! THERE ARE PRESENTS! CAN WE GO OPEN THEM?!?"

And I was all, "Are you high? It's 12:45!"

And then at 3:30am he was all, "CAN WE OPEN THE PRESENTS NOW?!?!"

And I was all, "mrff hrmm hrrr .... zzzzzzzzzz."

And then at 5:00am he was all, "CAN WE OPEN PRESENTS NOOOOOOOOWWWWW?!?"

And I was all, "ALRIGHT, GODDAMNIT! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" and I jumped out of bed and tried not to strangle my child.

Mission accomplished.

He will pay though... He will pay. I have the whole 2nd season of Gilmore Girls on DVD, and authority over television privileges! HE WILL PAY!

First on the agenda for 2005? Getting You Decorated My Life out of my head. Two days, it's been stuck in there. TWO DAYS! Two never-ending days of the stupidest song in the world! GAH!

Second on the agenda? Stop being such a robot... It's a long story, which I am sure to bore you with later, but not when I'm singing "And yoooou dec-o-ra-ted my life! By paintin' your loooove all over my heaaaaaaart!"

Please. Shoot me.

This morning, I was woken up at 5:00AM, by an apparently CRAAAZY child who thinks that this is at all appropriate.

This year we got the masochistic Easter bunny who thought to hide eggs in the rice bin! Ha ha! And inside the ceramic teapot! Ha ha! If I didn't know any better, I'd think the Easter bunny was trying to get back at :turdface: for WAKING HER UP AT AN INSANE HOUR.

And then we had a breakfast of chocolate and Peeps... Did you know Peeps have no fat? ... Why of course they have no fat, silly Jennifer! They are made of styrofoam. And... carnauba wax?!? Ack! I'm eating car polish!

This is how lazy people watch the fireworks on Lake Union... From the couch. With a Diet Coke in hand. And a whole shitload of chores being neglected.

Other things that are awesome:

• Not working!
  
• Edamame
  
• Large, potty mouthed boys of British extraction.
  
• Small, potty mouthed boys of Hawaiian, German, Filipino, Portuguese, Japanese, Irish, Spanish, Scottish, and English extraction.

And here are more things that are awesome!

• That lazy eyed dude at my broker's office... I never know who he's talking to! Is it ME? Are you talking to ME? That is one awesome superpower.
  
• Angry, gossipy, Korean manicurists... Oh, the awesome stereotyping! You make my head spin! (And my cuticles bleed.)
  
• Tofurkey... Fake turkey shaped like a basketball? Cool!
  
• Pippi Longstocking on DVD! ... The awesomeness. It is incredibly awesome.

Other things are awesome too (like you!) but I've got some serious awesoming to do today, and only so much awesome time to do it.

I had to miss out on a (Letter S!) Halloween party last weekend, where I was seriously considering going as Short Round - if only to say things like, "HOLD ONTO YOUR POTATOES!"... And to make me pee myself laughing, because HA HA! Short Round!

However, last night I got to put lots of makeup and hair products on my kid and take him out in our Full Size Candy Bar neighborhood.

Oh, and I could say things like, "What's up, Edward Scizzorhands?" and "Just say yes! Do it now! Let yourself goooooo."

And he would ignore me... So I ate all his Twizzlers.

I don't know how you spent it, but I spent it either at a ridiculously early site meeting, or with a phone plastered to my head, or thinking about shear walls or cabinetry or how to effectively kill myself because OH MY GOD, I think this has been the BUSIEST DAY OF THE YEAR.

I guess this is what I get for being old enough to forget my birthday is coming up, and therefore, failing to warn everyone that they must be nothing but nice and non-needy today, and buy me iTunes certificates and boob-specific t-shirts.

... Hmm. I can no longer continue posting because I appear to be drink... drunk. TIPSY! yes. uust tipsy.... juuuuust tipsy. (HOLY CRAP! What ujust hit me like a mack truck?! Was it puppies?!?)

I got just what I wanted for Christmas...

SNOW! Although I should have specified that I wanted the kind that didn't feel like razors when it blew across your face, or land with a thud right in your eyeball.