The one time in my life when I dated a man with a normal-sized head all I could think about was his TINY HEAD... Whenever he stood next to me, I'd think, "OH MY GOD, my giant head must look gianter!" And whenever he would kiss me, I'd think, "Tiny head. Tiny head. Tiny head."

It's all collosal heads for me. I just can't take the pressure of dating a normal headed man.

You may have already heard me refer to The Guy Who Whipped It Out: The Notebook Version... But now I would like to tell you about the magic that was going out on a date with the other guy that whipped it out.

Yes, pure magic.

Boys are grody.

I once had a boyfriend who would tick me off on purpose and then go, "Aww, you're so cute when you're mad!", which would only make me angrier... And therefore cuter.

It was a vicious cycle.

I once went out with this guy who had led an amazing life... He got his degree (exactly like mine!) from a prestigious university. He'd climbed Anapurna and Mount McKinley and countless other intimidating sounding mountains. He'd lived all over Europe and South East Asia. You'd think the guy would have some substance, but NO!

I mean, he seemed to at first, but after saying, "I climbed Anapurna," and "I lived in Poland" pretty much it was like dating a napkin... But, boy! That man could work the word "interesting" into a sentence!

Everything is interesting! This restaurant! It is INTERESTING. And my fork! INTERESTING! And this menu is INTERESTING! Look! They have french fries here! THAT IS SO INTERESTING!

And just to drive me completely bonkers, he said it wrong... Not "interesting", like how it's spelled, but in-tris-ting... ARG! It was so hard to spend any amount of time with him and not to stab myself.

This one time? I went on a date with a guy who was already kind of getting on my nerves, because anytime I said anything he couldn't help but posture, like a big stupid insecure, posturing, poop head! GAH!

But I went anyway, because I was once a stupid, stupid girl who thought that, even though her guts are telling her no, those guts could be wrong.

Note to self: Guts never wrong.

Poop head: Blah blah, football, blah blah.

Me: I don't really watch football... But I like rugby. And Aussie rules football.

Poop head: When I was in Australia a couple years ago, I played football with these Australian guys and they said I'm super! And I'm totally way better than them! And American football rules! But only when I am playing it, because I'm so fucking awesome!

Me: OH MY GOD! No Aussie would EVER say that! EVER!!!

Poop head: Well, they did!

Me: NO, THEY DIDN'T!

Poop head: They did!

Me: NO!

Poop head: Yes! Didn't you hear when I said I was awesome?

Me: LIES! LIES ARE COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE! I HATE YOU!! GAH!

Let this be a lesson to you to not go on dates with guys who are already pissing you off, unless you really need to raise your blood pressure or stab someone with a fork. Consider yourself schooled! Boo-ya!