Everything you ever need to know about a man, you can tell by sleeping with him.
It's not so hard you know.
... Aaand discuss...
While you may not look suspicious when purchasing a can of whipped cream, and only a can of whipped cream, at the grocery store, you sure as HELL look suspicious when you whisper to the clerk, "Pst. Where do you keep the whipped cream?"
PS. In the fucking dairy aisle.
PSS. Hanky panky time? T minus 10 minutes and counting.
While I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is really great at fixing that squeaky bathroom door hinge, it is very weird to smell butter every single time you go pee.
Week #7: Hoobitylessness continues.
I should have known when selecting a boyfriend who lives far away, and has a busier work schedule than mine, that it would be a mistake. But then, that would require me NOT thinking with my panties... Damn horny panties.
So the lesson to be learned here is: Always assume that you'll fall madly in ... uh... guh... umm... THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING IS MAKING ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! BAH!
Did you know that just because you've sweared off boys for a while, it doesn't make them all disappear? With their stupid big man hands, and broad shoulders, and curly blonde hair, and STUPID BLUE EYES! GAH!
Go away fuckers!
This weekend, Big Bootie Ho's domain expired! Whee! Even though we paid for registration for the next five years! Yay!
Because I am NO sunshine and NO light lately, I called them up and they asked to put me on hold and I said, "Sure, fuckers! Can I call you fuckers, fuckers?" and then they didn't put me on hold and instead refunded my money.
Being mean seems to work a lot more efficiently than being respectful. SCREW THIS GOLDEN RULE CRAP!
Step One: Freak Out.
Step Two: Blog about it.
Step Three: Poke snail with piece of cardboard, then FREAK OUT when it curls up. ACK! It's curling up! Gross!!
Step Four: Decide to leave apartment because, I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS! Consider knocking on neighbor's door. Hey! HE'S a boy! HE can do it, right? That wouldn't be embarrassing at all.
Step Five: Return to apartment to find snail is on cardboard! Yay!
Step Six: Place snail/cardboard into plastic bag. REMOVE FROM PREMISES! Hooray! We are snail free!
An unnamed source has informed me that standing outside your kid's manga class, pretending to dig your nose and/or butt, is not nearly as amusing as you think... As evidenced by this photograph:
Tonight I learned that while it's great to look all sparkly, with the holy-shit-that's-glittery lotion - it's real stupid to wash the clothes you wore that night with all your other clothes.
I wonder how long it takes for glitter to wash out of black pants.
Also - Whoever gets that washer after me is going to be SOOOO happy! (Free glitter!)
It is not a good idea to listen to Dan Savage's Lovecast at work... Especially the one where he says, "That's right. You're a fucking cunt hungry, cum dumpster". Unless you want to LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY!
And then try explaining "what's so funny".
** Episode #56. Download it. Listen to it at work. Explain your hysterical laughter to your coworkers.
This is what happens when you leave a camera phone in the hands of a couple of pre-teen boys:
Him: ... What is this?
Me: Hey man, I'm just keepin' it real.
Him: You don't actually like this, do you?
Me: Well. Not exactly. But how else am I supposed to practice my fire knife dancing? ... And my lei making... And my pig roasting... And my grass-skirt wearing... And my pineapple growing.
A weekend without getting hugged by a hobo is a weekend of not being Jennifer.