Well. I'm still alive! TelemarketHole didn't show. And it's a good thing too... I can gouge out eyeballs like nobody's business!

But this has gotten me thinking... If I am going to continue to insult people to the point where they threaten me, I may want to... oh I don't know... ACTUALLY know kung fu. So, starting next month I'm going to be enrolled in Kung Fu class! And not just any Kung Fu class, but all girl Kung Fu class! ALL GIRL!

Do you know what this means?

For 8 weeks, I'm going to be beaten by bull-dykes, thrown around by bull-dykes, and yelled at by bull-dykes.

This should be very entertaining.

I have successfully completed my first Dyke Fu class. And what have I learned, you may ask?

That after watching myself kick the air in the mirror for about 10 minutes, I can safely say, that I am the most ridiculous thing in the world.

Kung Fu Princess: And why do you want to take kung fu?

Me: To hone my ass kicking skillz. Yo!

---

Ha ha! I so didn't say that. If I did, I would've gotten my heterosexual ass kicked out of dyke fu so fast, my head would spin.

What I really said was something about how I felt unsafe in my totally gay neighborhood and how I needed to be more assertive.

Ba ha ha!! Lie much?

Well, you can't blame me though. What would they have done if I told them the truth... That I had a big mouth and need to be able to back my shit up?

It's not getting any better. I still look like a goddamned fool doing Dyke Fu.

In fact, I discovered that when I try to hit someone in the neck with my hand, it looks like I'm doing the hula.

Oooh! Be afraid! I'm gonna hula you to death!

Standing like this for an hour and a half really does bring on great monkey pain.

And now whenever I have to walk down stairs, my arms go flailing out uncontrollably.

And I am helpless to stop it!

AND! I keep saying "ooo aah eee eeeeeee ooo".

I am the total gorilla package.

I think I've discovered the reason why martial artists are so serene and centered.

They get to beat the crap out of shit every day.

Oh baby, is it ever fun to whack people! I am all in love with the punching. I embrace the hitting. I cultivate the hitting. I fortify the hitting.

Goooooooooooooo, hitting!!!!

---

Dyke Fu statistics:

Bruises sustained: 2
Number of punches to the head received: 2
Number of times fallen on ass: 1
Number of times confused left and right: 4,577,884,522
Toe cramps: 2
Actual time spent meditating during meditation: 0

Things I learned in Dyke Fu...

1. I totally hit like a girl.
2. I'm totally uncoordinated.
3. There is no possible way for me to keep a straight face when I pretend attack somebody... Come on, now. It's hilarious! Ha ha! I'm PRETENDING to choke you! In SLOW MOTION. Ha ha! How is that not funny?
4. It's really only a matter of time before I start calling people "grasshopper".
5. Nothing says bliss like kicking someone in the crotch.

Last night, I learned how to fall down, flip backward, and then land pretty much on my feet... Except that I kept landing on my neck. Or on my feet, but only because I was propelled into the air by the bouncyness of my neck.

OH THE CRIPPLING PAIN!

Thank God for Advil.

But, I swear I already knew how to injure myself in this manner. They didn't need to teach me it... I've been doing it for years! I'm an old pro!

Next class, maybe we can learn how to open doors onto our own face.

Do you think it's wrong to exclaim in the middle of Dyke Fu class, "Dude. Check it out... I need a pedicure."

I'm so hard core.

I am the almighty mastah of the roundhouse kick! And that other kick that I can't remember the name of.

You'd totally be afraid of me if I wasn't giggling the whole time.

Kick. Tee hee hee! Kick. Hee hee! Kick. Whee hee! Ha ha!

I'm a moron!!

And sometimes our instructors stop the whole class and say to me, "This time? When you kick? Try not to smile."

Gosh... I'm so intimidating, don't you think?

I love that I don't gank my neck now when I roll backwards.

I love that I look intimidating when I brush-outward-block. Even if I do sortof look like a chicken... I'm an INTIMIDATING CHICKEN!

And I love that even after 6 weeks, I'm totally not bored. And considering my long tradition of being bored all the time, that's a pretty big accomplishment.

I love it so much that I'm totally not corned out of hearing "You were kung fu fighting? Were you as fast as lightning? Was it a little bit frightening?"

Yes, corny Mark, and corny friends, and corny Pretend California Boyfriend. You may continue you hokey-fest... I won't punch you.

Yet!

I knew there would be a drawback to going to an all-girl Kung Fu class.

Help! We have de-escalating exercises! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Damn. I know they'll be useful in dealing with aggressive assholes, but I'm taking kung fu! Why can't I just punch him in the head?

When questioned by our Dyke Fu instructors about what it was that made our martial art studio different from other martial art studios, I said...

"We're prettier!"

Oh, how they laughed and they laughed!

And when asked what we thought about tonight's exercises (which included jumping rope) I said...

"Could you warn us first? So I can wear, like, a more supportive bra?"

Oh, how they laughed and they laughed!

But seriously... Jumping rope? That's freaking dangerous! Not to mention painful. Not to mention REALLY FUCKING HORRIFYING when you watch it in the mirror.

God, I'm surprised I didn't knock myself out.

PS. Still hella fun kicking and punching people! And today? I got to hit them with a stick! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Someone should have warned me about the huge amount of body hair that would be present at regular Dyke Fu classes.

Now, I'm not an armpit-hair-ist or anything. I can dig it if you want to be all European and shit... But don't expect me not to stare. Or not to quickly avert my eyes when you see me staring. Or not to stare at your forehead in the hopes that I won't stare at your hairy pits.

I knew it was a mistake to miss 4 out of the last 5 classes.

Jennifer got her ASS KICKED! Totally and completely sucker-punch-to-the-head, kick-to-the-groin KICKED. I GOT MY ASS KICKED!!! This is unacceptable!!! Aaaaahh!!!

Also, I spend all meditation thinking dirty thoughts about :geriatricmark:... Do you think that's appropriate?

Boobruise.

Who knew my boob was so delicate? One little punch and voila! Bruise... God. My boob is such a panty.

And so am I... I had a new instructor today who is short and patient and looks like Mary Lou Retton. And SHE IS OUT TO KILL ME!

She made my ass-sides burn. She made my upper back burn. And my lower back, and my abs, and my inner thighs, and my quads, and my calves, and my triceps, and my shoulders. And my motherfucking ankles burn like a sonofabitch!

Who knew ankles could burn!?!?

I'll be the first to admit that my sense of balance is a little... err... off. I mean, do you know anyone else who can fall from the sitting position?

Yeah. I didn't think so.

But get this... After 2 months of beginners classes, and another month of crappy attendance, I can stand on one leg and shake the other one all about and not fall down!

It's a breakthrough! I can do the hokey-pokey!

---

Dyke Fu statistics:

Total bruises: 24
Kicks to the crotch: 8
Punches to the head: 57
Wickedly painful neck injuries: 1
Number of times scrunched face while someone was pretending to punch me in the nose: 18
Toe cramps: 2000
Ass cramps: 43421
Evaluation of "Sticky Hands" proficiency: Miserable failure.

Purchasing shirts that show no cleavage... Yes, I know you're thinking "Who are you and what have you done with Jennifer!?"

But, you see, I have to do it. It's in my own best interest. The Cleave is distracting everyone in Dyke Fu. Everyone! Even the straight girls! Even me! Every single time I bend down or flip over... Whee! It's a big cleavage party.

And I know everybody's trying really hard not to stare, but how can they not? I'm a giant boob... Even I'm all "Whoa! Check it out!"

Yeah. I'm checking myself out. Shut up.

Anyway, back to Dyke Fu... I got to hit people with sticks last night! Yay for hitting!

I don't know how, but I somehow wound up on the Dyke Fu mailing list. Which is just dandy and all, but it's making me feel a little self-conscious.

How far out of the Dyke Fu loop am I that I don't have a clue what the hell any of these people are talking about!? Gah! Me no likey!

Although, I did hear through the grapevine that I was a topic of conversation at not just one, but two Dyke Fu meetings. I'm quite sure they were discussing my winning smile, my sunny disposition, and my bad ass roundhouse punch... I'm sure of it!