Turdface: Guess what they've started doing in the boy's bathrooms at my school!

Me: Peeing IN the urinals, instead of NEAR the urinals?

Turdface: ... That's a stereotype. You're sexist!

Me: Whatever, Pee's-In-The-Fridge.

There's no faster way to freak me the fuck out than to sell my apartment building, and then start making large, expensive, upgrades that sure look a hell of a lot like you are trying to convert the Seattle Crap Museum to a condo ... You douchebags!

Actually, there is a faster way to freak me out... Make me start shopping for condos.

(The definition of "freaking me out" being: Sleepless nights, waking up at 3am to watch bizarre Jodie Foster movies, becoming so dehydrated that I faint while moving my furniture around, and being tipsy at work!)

(PS. I am tipsy at work! Yay!)

You know, when you go out to dinner with a big ol' strapping white boy, you WILL end up at a restaurant that serves everything with a BIG OL' SLAB O'MEAT... And then you'll end up at a biker bar with swingy saloon doors in the bathroom stalls. (Yee-haw!)

And after you've had about 3 beers, you'll tell him about how you need to get a HOT PINK biker helmet with Hello Kitty on it. And a big spike on the top. Or maybe a NERD biker helmet with a pocket protector on one side and a dictionary on the other. And a big spike on the top.

1. Suggest that they give him a full-body cast because it'll be "way more fun".

2. Every time you kid says "ow!" start playing the world's tiniest violin.

3. When your child is ushered into the x-ray room, tell him that you sure hope there aren't any spiders in there with him, or we'll need to get him fitted for a spandex body suit.

4. ... Or a fly. Because you remember what happened to Jeff Goldblum.

5. This is totally the best time to challenge your kid to a "mime-off". You're totally going to kick his ass at "I'm trapped in a box".

Yes. This is how I spent my day... Sitting in small rooms waiting for people to poke, x-ray, and papier-mâché my child.

And after I canceled the last of three appointments, Turdface said, "Aww. I picked the wrong day to break a bone."

Me: "Yes. Yes, you did."

Turdface: "I'm sorry, would tomorrow work better for you?"

Me: "No. I'm busy tomorrow."

Turdface: "How about Saturday?"

Me: "No, I have a class on Saturday until the late afternoon, and then I'll be too tired. But Sunday I'm free after 3!"

Turdface: "Why don't we just make it Monday?"