Saturday, May 3, 2008
Permalink Bathroom Humor

Turdface: Guess what they've started doing in the boy's bathrooms at my school!

Me: Peeing IN the urinals, instead of NEAR the urinals?

Turdface: ... That's a stereotype. You're sexist!

Me: Whatever, Pee's-In-The-Fridge.

Thursday, May 1, 2008
Permalink Cold feet

There's no faster way to freak me the fuck out than to sell my apartment building, and then start making large, expensive, upgrades that sure look a hell of a lot like you are trying to convert the Seattle Crap Museum to a condo ... You douchebags!

Actually, there is a faster way to freak me out... Make me start shopping for condos.

(The definition of "freaking me out" being: Sleepless nights, waking up at 3am to watch bizarre Jodie Foster movies, becoming so dehydrated that I faint while moving my furniture around, and being tipsy at work!)

(PS. I am tipsy at work! Yay!)

Sunday, April 20, 2008
Permalink Man Date

You know, when you go out to dinner with a big ol' strapping white boy, you WILL end up at a restaurant that serves everything with a BIG OL' SLAB O'MEAT... And then you'll end up at a biker bar with swingy saloon doors in the bathroom stalls. (Yee-haw!)

And after you've had about 3 beers, you'll tell him about how you need to get a HOT PINK biker helmet with Hello Kitty on it. And a big spike on the top. Or maybe a NERD biker helmet with a pocket protector on one side and a dictionary on the other. And a big spike on the top.

Friday, April 18, 2008
Permalink Parenting advice for parents of the broken-handed.
  1. Suggest that they give him a full-body cast because it'll be "way more fun".

  2. Every time you kid says "ow!" start playing the world's tiniest violin.

  3. When your child is ushered into the x-ray room, tell him that you sure hope there aren't any spiders in there with him, or we'll need to get him fitted for a spandex body suit.

  4. ... Or a fly. Because you remember what happened to Jeff Goldblum.

  5. This is totally the best time to challenge your kid to a "mime-off". You're totally going to kick his ass at "I'm trapped in a box".

Thursday, April 17, 2008
Permalink Baby's First Broken Bone
splint.jpg

Yes. This is how I spent my day... Sitting in small rooms waiting for people to poke, x-ray, and papier-mâché my child.

And after I canceled the last of three appointments, Turdface said, "Aww. I picked the wrong day to break a bone."

Me: "Yes. Yes, you did."

Turdface: "I'm sorry, would tomorrow work better for you?"

Me: "No. I'm busy tomorrow."

Turdface: "How about Saturday?"

Me: "No, I have a class on Saturday until the late afternoon, and then I'll be too tired. But Sunday I'm free after 3!"

Turdface: "Why don't we just make it Monday?"