... Not to discuss what to buy your mother for her birthday in front of Jennifer

Boy: I know where there's a necklace she liked.

Boy's brother: She mentioned she needed new hubcaps.

Boy: Hubcaps?! I don't know if hubcaps say "happy birthday".

Me: I know! HUBCAP NECKLACE!

(silence)

Me: Mama needs some bling!

Bag boy: (Winking) Hey baby! What you doin' tonight?

Me: HA HA HA!

Bag boy: What? I'm 17! It's legal!

Tonight, I got together with the gang from my previous job at Big Bootie Ho... Because, much like me, they are all also very, very bored in their very quiet workplaces, with very boring co-workers who do not amuse us with their white-boy krumping.

To which I say, BOO!

5 reasons why I miss these people

1. "Note to self: Invent 'foon'." (The opposite of a spork.)

2. "Other note to self: Start wearing pants really, really high."

3. Discovery that air quotes make everything dirty. Case in point: "You can help me 'download' to my 'laptop'."

4. Ask large group of tall people at nearby table: "Are you all related? No? ... On a basketball team? No? ... In a really tall band? No? ... Dutch? No? ... Ich bin ein soccer players?!"

5. "What's up with the glasses, Yoko Ono?" (Note: Apparently, I look like MOTHERFUCKING YOKO ONO in my fake purple glasses.)

I would like Doritos!

Except, I am too lazy to go out and buy some because I do not own a car, and I am too impatient to wait for buses, so I already walked my face off today, and do you know that I walked right by the store and I didn't buy any Doritos?!

WTF?

I guess I will have to settle for what I have in the house... Which is Baked Wheat Thins, and they're not even nacho cheese and now I will die of nacho-cheese-deficiency, and then Nabisco will feel really, really bad.

1. It is safe to pour beer on a car fire... Albeit FRIGHTENING.

2. Jumping out from behind the shower curtain and screaming "raaaaawr!" is apparently only funny in hindsight. In presentsight, it only pisses people off.

3. Boys don't own hairdryers. Also, their soap smells like "the Irish countryside" and their toothpaste probably has stripes. Pack accordingly.

4. I think I am soooo smart, don't I?

5. William Shatner is Canadian.

Guess what!?! I have an ear infection! ... Just like babies.

And guess what else? I can barely hear! ... Just like old people.

Him: ... What is this?

Me: Hey man, I'm just keepin' it real.

Him: You don't actually like this, do you?

Me: Well. Not exactly. But how else am I supposed to practice my fire knife dancing? ... And my lei making... And my pig roasting... And my grass-skirt wearing... And my pineapple growing.

Last night, I successfully convinced a boy to go with me to see Mamma Mia, because I could not imagine a better way to spend 108 minutes, than to watch Pierce Brosnan sing and dance. Plus! REVENGE!

He totally has it coming... Because I did not even tell you about the golf. And not even the mini kind. REGULAR golf. And there was WATCHING OF THE NASCAR. Accompanied by commentary explaining it to me... Because, apparently it's not just driving around in a circle. (Yes it is!)

But then I realized who I'm revenge-ing with.